The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Oh sure go ahead, tune into Sportnet, Sportsdesk, Netdesk or whatever the hell Â‘reputable' source you choose to be connected to on NHL trade deadline day. But we all know it's a relative crapshoot in the end with most of the speculation being a shot in the dark anyway. What's to be won when Bob the Insider beats Nick the Insider with the positive confirmation that indeed Mike Zigomanis has been traded to the Blues for a conditional fourth round pick, I repeat... I mean, if this were high noon and Bob and Nick were holding pistols at twenty paces, well yeah, those 28 seconds would be meaningful, but in this circumstance, not so much.
It's actually quite amazing the emphasis hockey fans put on this day. I guess it boils down to everyone wanting to be an insider themselves in some way. Here's the scene, Jerry phones his friend Phil to let him in on the big Jim Vandermeer rumor swirling around. Now Jerry is either in a slacking work environment or he's likely unemployed, but still collecting enough social assistance to afford basic cable. Jerry looks like a hero to his friend Phil who instantly passes the rumor onto his friend claiming this rumor as his own, thereby nullifying Jerry's insider status. Jerry and Phil then spend the next twenty minutes trying to figure out who the hell is Jim Vandermeer.
The beauty comes in the two possible scenarios that will play out once the rumor has been floated, (1) why it can't possibly happen and (2) why the hell did that just happen? Nothing creates more mindless discussion among sports fans then arguing about potential or recently consummated trades. McGillicuddy will really help the Sharks' defense. He's a forward? I knew that.
It's even more fun watching the network boobs argue the merits of the trade, as if there should be some award given for being right or wrong. Here's an idea, get them to offer up a wager or a guarantee of some sort to make it more interesting. If Jefferson doesn't lead the Thrashers to the Stanley Cup, I'll eat this guppy. Now that's entertainment.
There used to be a time when people who watched sports actually watched sports. Now they will spend a good part of their day watching people talk about watching sports. And you wonder why Doris left you for that balding plumber with the lazy eye? You're watching people talk about being on the phone. Years ago that was called high school.
Watching any trade deadline show is like watching popcorn being made: there's a lot of air, a lot of noise, some weird smells and in the end, you wonder why you didn't spend your time waiting for something more filling.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
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