The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
(A leaked document found by a Â“friendÂ” of Loose Change)
Dear Hockey Gods:
By our count, this is the 37th letter we have written to you in regards to this matter.
While representatives in your Consumer Relations Department have continually spewed the party line, we have not seen anything close to what we were promised.
Why can't your organization simply just honor the deal we made? We met the conditions and you gave us approval on the project.
To refresh your selective memory, this whole sordid affair began in 1994. You were set to give us back-to-back Canadian Stanley Cup champions by Â“lettingÂ” the Canucks defeat the sweetheart Rangers. We know someone got to you on that one! Then you teased us with the Leafs in 1999 and 2002 (nobody believed your Â“sincerityÂ” on that one); Ottawa in 2003; and Calgary in 2004.
But what you did, sirs, to us this year is both extremely unfair and inhumane punishment. To create such a Cinderella-esque scenario only to back out on another one of our agreements means we are left with nothing more than legal recourse to solve this ongoing breach of contract.
We have been nothing but loyal and patient with your organization. When you asked for Brett Hull, we gave him to you. When you wanted an extra set of keys for the CN Tower, you got them. Hell, we even gave you Shania Twain's cell number, yet you still haven't followed through on your end of the bargain.
What is it going to take for you to finally fulfill your promise and give us the Canadian Stanley Cup champion we've agreed on and paid for? And before you ask for the rights to Wayne Gretzky once again, ask yourself what have you shown us to prove you are even trying to bargain in good faith.
Be advised this correspondence has been copied to the Utopian Better Business Bureau, the National Hockey League, and your mother. We will not stand for one more year of broken promises and breached agreements.
The Canadian Hockey Association
Loose Change will return July 4.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org