Loose Change: Two-timing Santa's Top 12s

Charlie Teljeur
By: Charlie Teljeur
Dec 22, 2006
The Hockey News

Loose Change: Two-timing Santa's Top 12s

Charlie Teljeur
By: Charlie Teljeur
Dec 22, 2006

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

As this is the season for giving, we give you, not one but, two Top 12 Lists for your holiday reading pleasure (they were steeply discounted at Wal-Mart if you really must know)Â…

Santa's Top 12 NHL-related Granted Wishes:

12 freedom for Mike Kitchen

11 extra thick insoles for Gary Bettman

10 a new barber for Darren McCarty

9 a motion sensor for Trevor Letowski

8 industrial-strength hair gel for Mike Commodore

7 NHLPA peace for Ted Saskin (it's only for 15 hours but stillÂ…)

6 a case of Metamucil for Ed Belfour

5 Giraffe Pajamas for Zdeno Chara

4 dip in Fountain of Youth for Brendan Shanahan (you owe me a stick)

3 one rather large Russian Labor Law loophole for Evgeni Malkin (da, I'm a genius)

2 a three-piece suit made out of tin foil for Don Cherry

1 an All Star Game berth for Rory Fitzpatrick (it was me actually)


Santa's Top 12 NHL-related Rejected Wishes:

12 some wins for Wayne Gretzky (I'm all out of miracles)

11 induction into the Hall of Fame for Alexandre Daigle (the way it's going, you likely don't need me to get in, anyway)

10 a bad case of laryngitis for Pierre McGuire for hockey fans (I got him sneezing, nothing more)

9 goatees for the Sedin twins (more a Mother Nature thing)

8 a chance to shoot in the shootout for Jody Shelley (oh, you were serious?)

7 name change for Olli Jokinen (sorry, “Gerald” was taken)

6 another Cup for Hurricanes (do you know how much Skoal it took to get the first one?)

5 more Czech players for Glen Sather (you have them all)

4 a trade of Sturm, Primeau and Stuart for Thornton for the Bruins (seriously, what idiot would make that trade?)

3 a Time Machine for Philadelphia Flyers fans (cost-prohibitive)

2 an Xbox 360 for Rick DiPietro (come on now, enough's enough)

1 a Stanley Cup for the Leafs (if God won't touch it, neither will I...)

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at

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Loose Change: Two-timing Santa's Top 12s