The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
As we embark on this new NHL season, let us send warm wishes, kind regards and words of advice to those who will shortly entertain, beguile and perplex us.
To Peter Forsberg: You might want to try living in that bubble as we suggested.
To Bob Hartley: Just try the yoga thing, really.
To Mats Sundin: We do have some nice parting gifts.
To Jonathan Cheechoo: I think it's time to buy Joe Thornton's Mom something really nice.
To Nikolai Khabibulin: When you carry the mail, don't drop so much.
To Jacques Lemaire: There are ways out of traps. Just ask a mime.
To Alexander Ovechkin: Yeah sure, but can you play goal?
To Wayne Gretzky: Simple steroid scandal = boring year in Phoenix.
To Garth Snow: Wear the helmet in the office. Trust me.
To Keith Tkachuk: You're looking lean and trim (tender and juicy - sorry, had to).
To Dominik Hasek: Varicose veins are so in right now.
To Brendan Shanahan: people in NYC aren't big on Irish men who fight.
To Sergei Fedorov: Detroit, Anaheim, Columbus? Apparently that was real.
To Daniel Briere: You're fast and talented, but those uniforms still make you look like Snoopy's pal, Woodstock.
To Eric Lindros: Again you're seeing stars, which is OK. You're in Dallas now.
To Chris Pronger: A Duck covered in Oil? Somebody call Greenpeace.
To Ilya Kovalchuk: Eat before you get to work. You won't be fed a lot on the rink.
To Tim Thomas: Body by Arby's.
To Eric Staal: The Sutters still have you by three. Tell Mom and Dad to get busy.
To Jay Bouwmeester: Roberts could be your father. Belfour could be his.
To Rob Blake: You'll notice things have moved around a bit since you left. Like your fans back to Dodger games.
To Cristobal Huet: Still waiting for that crepe recipeÂ…
To Brian Gionta: What's Frodo really like?
To Jason Arnott: Remember, no hat tricks in Nashville. I saw a Stetson crush a guy onceÂ…
To Wade Redden: Zdeno says Â“hi.Â” Stanley says Â“bye.Â”
To Roberto Luongo: Same tee off time. Different course.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday during the season and every Tuesday during the summer only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org