The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Need some interesting reading? Try the National Hockey League Want Ads:
501 EMPLOYMENT WANTED
HARD-working, colorful individual, looking for work. Â“DependableÂ”. References not available. (213) 555-5555, Ask for Sean.
LOOKING to score? Rugged Russian has just what you want. firstname.lastname@example.org.
502 HELP WANTED
DO you enjoy working with rubber? Can you stand in one place for 60 mins.? Enterprising company looking for individual to fill valuable role. Will train. Box SOS, Nashville.
PHARMA company needs healthy individuals for lab research. Hockey background a must. Bring a friend. Pound & Assoc. LLP, Montreal.
504 FOR RENT
AFFORDABLE office space. 60's retro-style. If heat, hydro and running water aren't important to you, call us. Igloo Appts and Storage. Prime location in dwntn Pittsburgh.
508 CREDIT COUNSELLING
BANKRUPTCY? Sudden loss of income? Bond with similar individuals who share your pain. Meetings weekly. Discrete. Contact email@example.com.
LOSING your hair? Male pattern baldness? This stuff works! Send SASE to Jose at PO Box 1212, Denver CO. Financing avail.
512 BUSINESS SERVICES
SELF defense classes. Protect yourself from what's out there. Learn to disarm an individual by surprise attack. Never be picked on again. Todd's Offensive Defense System, 44 Surly Way, BC.
SELF defense classes. Don't be fooled by other's claims. Only expertise with a weapon can stop an attacker. Marty's School of Whoop Ass. Discount on first lesson with a Todd's coupon.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org