The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Loose Change: So, can I call you Beardie for short?
Playoff Beard: Absolutely not. My name is Harold.
LC: Oh, as in Harry??
PB: No, as in Harold. Are you simple or something?
LC: So, I suppose you really love this time of year.
PB: Why would you think that?
LC: Well, everywhere you look, there are playoff beards. You're ubiquitous.
PB: A big Q Tip? I don't understand.
LC: Ubiquitous, omnipresent, you're everywhere.
PB: Yeah, till late June.
LC: Does that bother you? Your short shelf life?
PB: No, I just love buying water wings every year and never having the chance to use them.
LC: So, how would you combat that?
PB: If we could find a way to make us more universally fashionable and if we could be sold on our other more tangible qualities, I think we could survive year round.
LC: What tangible qualities?
PB: We're fully committed to eliminating Sunburned Chin Syndrome.
LC: We? There's some sort of association?
PB: Yeah, we're a loose consortium of follicle families. Back in the 60s we were huge, but then the Women's Lib movement lost some steam and we now no longer represent armpits of any kind.
LC: It seems that playoff beards are getting less and less attractive. That can't help your cause.
PB: It certainly doesn't. It's like having Steve Buscemi advertise toothpaste.
LC: So, what was your first job?
PB: I used to polish the balls down at the bowling alley and I worked as a spike cleaner at the golf course one summer.
LC: What got you into hockey?
PB: When I was younger they saw huge growth potential in me (laughs). The sport of hockey was looking for something that could be used as both superstition and something that could draw attention away from the average hockey player's notable lack of teeth.
LC: So, they chose the beard?
PB: Beat out foot fungus.
LC: By a hair?
PB: No, on the third interview. I'm not your clown you know?
LC: So, what do you like to do in your spare time?
PB: Well, I'm big on stamp collecting, I like to rollerblade and I'm quite the cook.
LC: A beard that cooks?
PB: I'm actually quite good at it, although flipping eggs is a real bitch.
LC: Anything you don't like?
PB: Well I'm not exactly fond of shaving cream. And Nair gives me hives.
LC: Do you feel good about the legacy you leave?
PB: Sorta. On the one hand we're this storied, traditional icon of playoff hockey, but on the other we end up in someone's toupee.
LC: As for this year, any picks?
PB: I really don't care who wins. As long all the series go seven games with nine periods of overtime in each game.
LC: That would be the ultimate?
PB: Pretty much.
LC: Even better than someone blowing up Gillette's International Headquarters?
PB: No. That would be terrible.
LC: That so many people would have to needlessly suffer?
PB: No, that I would have to suffer. I have 40,000 shares in that company.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com