The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
- Aside from Anaheim's 3-2 victory over the Oilers Tuesday night, Chris Pronger's return to Edmonton was relatively peaceful and uneventful. There was that bogus trafficking accusation; the unconfirmed reports of streaking naked through City Hall and that unsubstantiated paternity suit put forth by that guy who sells skateboards outside of Rexall Place but, other than that, nothing much happened.
- More bad news for the Philadelphia Flyers. Goaltender Robert Esche has had surgery to repair his torn abductor muscle and will be out for up to four weeks. Uh, the bad news isÂ…umÂ…waitÂ… uh.. let me look this over some moreÂ…
- The Calgary Flames will retired Mike Vernon's No. 30 and honor the goaltender Feb. 6. Somehow, somewhere you just know Dan Bouchard is mounting some serious legal action.
Top 12 Things You Didn't Probably Know about The Buffalo Sabres
12 Thomas Vanek hails from Austria, but has a debilitating strudel phobia
11 Andrew Peters loves autobiographies, especially with salsa
10 Lindy Ruff's love for Civil War inspires coaching style, haircut
9 Season tickets sales comprised of 78 per cent Canadians, 17 per cent alumni and six people from Buffalo
8 New logo inspired by minimalism and an exposure to paint thinner
7 Daniel Briere and Chris Drury share the captaincy and a kidney
6 Famed French Connection line actually just two guys from Quebec and a third guy who loved pastry
5 Built their present team mostly through coupons
4 In just his second season with the club, Teppon Numminen has already become the highest scoring Teppo in franchise history
3 Was twice on the verge of bankruptcy, but was saved by a combination of bridge financing and Superman
2 Third line consists totally of Hobbits
1 HSBC Arena's urinals now also flush
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