The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Face it. It's summer. You're working hard on your tan and really don't have a lot of time to scan the Sports section. I mean, aside from the Royals and Nationals going to extra innings, what is there to read about really?
As a valuable service to you, Loose Change has compiled a simple list of hockey headlines that should pretty much bring you up to speed on the happenings in the NHL world. Best of all it won't take much longer to read than the time it takes to turn that ski boat around and figure exactly when your kid lost his grip on the rope and why he hasn't resurfaced yet.
And now, the headlines:
CHICAGO WELCOMES MARTIN HAVLAT
Hit musical adds hockey talent
(and you thought the girls could kick high)
CANUCKS TRADE CLOUTIER
(there's good newsÂ…)
KINGS TRADE FOR CLOUTIER
(Â…and there's bad)
BELFOUR UNDERGOING PHYSICAL WITH RED WINGS
(and in other news..)
WINGS PLAYERS' BENCH NOW WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE
PRONGER'S ARRIVAL GREAT NEWS FOR ANAHEIM FINANCIALLY
(her husband should help the Ducks too)
GUERIN REUNITED WITH WEIGHT, TKACHUK IN ST. LOUIS
(chairs in local hotels brace for the worst)
ZDENO CHARA SIGNS WITH BRUINS
(finally we can replace those upper deck light bulbs)
FLYERS SIGNS ROBITAILLE, MURRAY
(uh.. Bob, that's Randy and Marty, not Luc and Glen)
SHANAHAN HEADS TO BIG APPLE
(sadly, to my knowledge, there's not much of an Irish influence in NYC)
BLAKE RETURNS TO LOS ANGELES
Voodoo curse cancelled. Pain in lower back disappears
BERTUZZI TRADED TO FLORIDA
(a Panther is most dangerous when attacking from behind)
LEAFS RE-SIGN ANTROPOV
Kazak Make Work Program now in its seventh year!
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org