The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
You always hear sports people droning on about Â“needing to send a messageÂ” and Â“hoping to send a messageÂ” when they make moves, refuse to make moves or make moves they refuse to make.
When something happens as dramatic as a player signing with a different club, that's clearly intended to send its own special message. And, as GMs dance with financial insanity as they always seem to do this time of year, you just know these messages will really begin to snowball.
Take Daniel Briere signing with the (hated) Flyers:
Sorry about bailing on you Buffalo, but money is money, and to be 4-foot-2 and be able to say you played for the Broad Street Bullies? You see the joke, no?
And Chris Drury signing in New York with the Rangers:
If I want to live beside a body of water that smells, it might as well be the Hudson River.
Or Brian Rafalski signing with Detroit:
I grew up in Detroit and have always dreamt of playing in my hometown. I mean, I know none of my friends from the neighborhood are still around Â– except Jimmy The Drunk Â– and the place I grew up in is now a Starbucks, but stillÂ…
Mike Comrie signs with the Islanders:
I like the direction the club's headed in; a lot of good young talent, great vision in the upperÂ…ok, Soccer Moms. It's the Soccer Moms.
And Owen Nolan signing with the Flames:
Calgary's sort of the Black Hole for media coverage, huh? I guess you didn't hear about my back-to-back 70-goal seasons thenÂ…
Michael Handzus signs with the Kings:
It really came down to Miami and Los Angeles and Miami just couldn't match the hair product selection.
Radek Bonk signs with the Predators:
The personification of hockey's vortex signs in hockey's new-created vortex. No really, just happy to be here.
Wade Brookbank signs with Carolina
Idiot Hurricanes thought they were getting Sheldon Brookbank.
And Ryan Smyth signs with the Avalanche:
Colorado $howed me a fir$t rate commitment to winning and I $everly hope I $ee a $tanley Cup in a $hort time
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
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