“Hello, you have reached the special Reebok ‘Find Sidney Crosby’s Olympic Hockey Stick’ hotline. It was misplaced during the gold medal post-game celebrations. We are offering $10,000 – no questions asked – for the safe return of the fabled hockey heirloom. If you have any information regarding this item, please leave your name and a number you can be reached at and we will get back to you as soon as possible.”
“Hi, this is Sid. Any word yet? I feel kind of stupid about this whole thing. I distinctly remember throwing it up and, I think, slightly to the right. Or maybe it was the left. It was definitely up, though.”
“This is Sidney’s mom. I think you’d be best to stop this witch hunt right now. His father and I have told Sidney a million times to pick up after himself, now look at this mess it’s gotten him into. Leave it be. It’ll do him good to stew on it a bit. Somebody needs to learn a lesson here.”
“This is David Caruso. Yes, that’s right, from CSI Miami. We’ve run some lab tests and we can confirm the stick definitely traveled upwards. I believe there was a slight westerly wind that day as well. I can’t pinpoint the exact location, but I think I can give you a hand. Follow the smell, palm sweat is most pungent. That ‘hand’ clue was pretty cool, huh? I also write.”
“Hi, this is David Letterman, about that stick? Yeah, stick it (expletive)(expletive)(expletive)(expletive).”
“Hey, about the 10 grand, is that in U.S. or Canadian funds? If an American has the stick he gets more cash. That ain’t fair.”
“Sid again. OK, picture this: When we get the equipment, we do this Cinderella-type thing where I have to try on the stuff when it comes back to see if it’s truly mine. Tim Hortons is already on board. They eat up that kind of stuff.”
“Hey, I have Sidney Crosby’s glove, but another guy got the stick. Am I still eligible for the 10 grand or do I get, what, half? I mean, without the other glove he’s just a goofy guy shooting with a naked hand.”
“I think I found Sidney’s stick, but I’m not sure it’s the one. It has some special writing on the side, which I’m guessing helps identify it. I’ll spell it out to you, um... F-I-S-H-E-R-P-R-I-C-E. Let me know what that code means when you get a chance. Oh, and the stick has polka dots if that helps.”
“Hey, it’s Mario. Just wanted to remind you that I never lost sight of my stick. Kids today...”
“Hey it’s Sean, V-P from eBay. What the hell? I thought we had a deal? Oh, hey, this is probably a public line isn’t it? Whoops, I’ll call back.”
“Hi, it’s Jim, I mean, Bernie. I think I have your stick. You’ll probably want a description. It’s red and... (muddled laughing in the background)... hey Sidney shoots left doesn’t he? (more muddled laughter) This stick is right-handed. What the (expletive)? This can’t be Sidney’s. Oh, man, you guys are (expletive)!!” (boisterous laughter in background)
“Hey there. No idea where the stick is, but how much for Ryan Miller’s jockstrap? GO CANADA GO!!”
“You guys think you’re so smart don’t you? Think we’re going to fall for that whole no-questions-asked (expletive)? So what happens when you do realize I have the stick? Where you going to send the money, huh? How do you get it to me without asking me where to send it? Ha! I ain’t falling for that (expletive)! Fight the power!!”
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you the humor column Loose Change every Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Check out his website at charlieteljeur.com.
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