Studying the NHL is like trying to track shrapnel after an explosion. There’s just way too much going on to get a good handle on what’s actually taking place. So naturally, as a world famous journalist, you’re faced with two possible options: Either you go into a self-imposed hibernation to properly research all of the pertinent topics before commenting on them; or you fake your way through the entire subject matter and carelessly spout your opinion with very little information as a basis.
I was always partial to Door No. 2.
We’re not going to touch any more of that Phoenix thing until the Baum-ster renders his decision (sometime in 2014, I’m hearing).
And we’re not getting into any of that NHLPA ‘Et tu, Brute?’ (look it up) stuff either. Suffice it to say the next PA director’s contract will be written in pencil.
What we need to look at here is the myriad of unanswered questions we have as we enter the 2009-10 season:
• Will the Red Wings and the Penguins meet in another final or will we be faced with another round of two depressing cities (Columbus, in contrast, seems cheery) fighting over an oversized monogrammed ashtray?
• With Alex Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin, who has the worst hair?
• Who will become the NHL’s new King of Quotes now that Jeremy Roenick has retired? (I’m going with Minnesota’s Yappy McYappersson)
• Will Dany Heatley finally be happy to play somewhere or will he soon be complaining about the high geek factor in the Silicon Valley?
• Can the Montreal Canadiens survive a full season with a top line consisting of a gymnast, a jockey and a hobbit?
• Can John Tavares produce the 314 goals and 987 assists the Islanders need to compete for a playoff spot?
• Questions abound in Atlanta. Do they have the tools to challenge for the post-season? Is Ilya still happy? Do they actually still have a team?
• Will Martin Havlat Twitter on a breakaway?
• Is Pascal Leclaire the answer in Ottawa? If so, what was the question?
• Can Pat Quinn capture that elusive Stanley Cup in Edmonton? Is he serious? No, really? Is Pat Quinn in need of a CAT Scan?
• Is this the year the Leafs return to the playoffs? Is Leaf Nation prepared to pay $1,000 a seat to see it? How do I get in on the Teachers’ Pension Fund thing?
• Can Ray Emery take the Flyers to the Promised Land and will he punch a saint or a prophet when he gets there (the over/under is 4.5)?
• Who’s the leading candidate for rookie of the year and how did the trophy get named after Kyle Calder?
• And if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, will Sidney Crosby still complain he’s being held?
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you Loose Change every second Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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