The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Not sure if anyone's noticed, but this junior Super Series between Canada and Russia hasn't exactly been compelling entertainment.
The concept Â– a 35th anniversary rematch between the two Â“leadingÂ” hockey nations Â– is a good one on paper, but, then again, so is Reservoir Dogs: The Musical. Watching these two fight it out is like watching a Sherman tank battle a picnic basket.
The series started out promising - but then they dropped the puck. Canada's apparent supremacy showed up pretty early by overcoming a Game 1 two-goal deficit and winning that contest Â– and the next couple Â– by scores of 6-1, 6-1, and 7-6 (Canada broke serve 15 times and had incredible net play).
Strangely, this Summit Series is the brainchild of former Soviet goaltending great Vladislav Tretiak. Perhaps all those years of stopping slap shots with a facemask made of tinfoil has finally caught up to him. They say the inability to properly play the angles is the first sign of senility in a goalie.
Of course, he couldn't have known the disparity between the two countries had become so pronounced. Canada has evidently become King Kong in the world of hockey while Russia is a ball of lint in Fay Wray's discarded pantyhose.
What this Russian team needs is some of what that 1972 Russian team had.
They could use their passion and their determination.
They could use Boris Mikhailov's wizardry with the puck.
They could use Aleksandr Gusev's stellar defense.
They could use Valery Kharlamov's incredible scoring ability.
Not metaphorically, I mean right now. Those guys.
I know one of them is dead and the other two are, what, in their 90s?
It certainly can't hurt.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org