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Loose Change: Punch it up

Charlie Teljeur
By:
The Hockey News
News

Loose Change: Punch it up

Charlie Teljeur
By:


The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Concussions are no laughing matter. We all know that. But the stuff leading up to the concussion part pretty much is. Well, if it's not exactly funny it's, at the very least, entertaining. Now, before you start getting all sanctimonious on us – glorifying someone getting their grape squished – think about who's buying all the Don Cherry Smack and Bleed DVDs, who temporarily delays his trip to the washroom when the No. 12 car flames out in Turn 4 and who also thinks Moe has gotten hitting Curly with an anvil down to an art form?

Yeah, you know who you are. One minute you're suggesting the right cross instead of the uppercut and the next you're “very concerned” that the poor boob on the ice has gone from being a 225-pound raging behemoth to an oversized, lumpy area rug - with roughly the same IQ. Basically, you're what we call a sports voyeur. Admit it.

Now, there's nothing really wrong with that. It's essentially the same reason you laugh at dirty jokes or laugh when you're at funeral, or when you laugh at dirty jokes at a funeral. There's really no shame or embarrassment in that unless, of course, you're the guy in the coffin doing the laughing – in which case it's really the inept funeral director who should be most embarrassed.

But back to that concussion thing we led off withÂ…

Here we are, YouTubing all our friends the insanely vicious - but certainly amusing - blindside hit (which demonstrates that a human being is roughly equivalent to a sack of potatoes when thrown violently, and involuntarily, to the ice) but the next day we're “hoping he's OK” and eagerly signing the petition to stop hitting from any angle that shames you into capping your laughter, that goofy grin or the amount of people you can send the email link to without feeling that annoying pang of guilt.

All we're basically saying here is that 40 years of Looney Toons has conditioned us to believe that a frying pan forcefully combined with an unsuspecting face usually causes spinning birds to appear.

In hockey there are just fewer frying pans but more birds. The lesson here is simply this - don't marvel at all the car crashes unless you're prepared to be disgusted when the odd ambulance shows up.

And now, in keeping with the recent theme of devastating collisions, attempted decapitations and punches that made it through Customs, may we present a topical Top12 List.

These are simply little phrases – colorful metaphors, if you will, to describe the act of forcibly jumbling another's cranial matter – to enhance the water cooler conversation for any broadcast, news report or company lunch you partake in.

I mean really, how many times can you say “Yeah, he really got his bell rung”?

Top 12 Alternate Ways of Describing the Act of One's Eggs Getting Scrambled

12 Disconnected the upstairs plumbing

11 Seeing more stars than Captain Kirk

10 Formatted his hard drive

9 Van Winkled him

8 No croutons left in his salad bar

7 Re-arranged his furniture

6 Let's go with the cream soups for a while

5 Shoes with Velcro straps – Aisle 9

4 Snapped his Crayons

3 Hansel, where's those bread crumbs?

2 His luggage ended up at a different airport

1 Here come the yellow elephants

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com

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Loose Change: Punch it up