Loose Change: Phoenix Rising

Charlie Teljeur
By: Charlie Teljeur
Jan 12, 2007
The Hockey News

Loose Change: Phoenix Rising

Charlie Teljeur
By: Charlie Teljeur
Jan 12, 2007

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Wow. After months of turmoil, the Phoenix Coyotes find themselves at the entrance to the NHL playoffs.

OK, there are still 38 games to go,
and they're still 4 points shy of a playoff spot,
and nobody actually seems to be showing up to watch the games,
and a fan in Arizona is defined more as a mechanical device designed to keep Great Uncle Abe from having another coronary than as a person who actually pays good money to see grown men wear pieces of metal on their feet,
and they are playing way over their heads,
and they're still lots of time to revert back to their patented pathetic style of play,
but stillÂ…

Wondering how this team of desert dogs has been able to (momentarily) turn their (terrible) season around in their (unrealistic) hunt for a (seriously unreachable) playoff spot? It's really not that difficult when you think about it.

Here now..

The Top 12 Reasons Behind the Coyotes' Resurgence:

12. Ice in arena now in one sheet versus millions of little cubes

11. Georges Laraque has finally found a hair gel with some serious hold

10. Yanic Perreault's face off proficiency and killer Gumbo recipe

9. Stalking from Winnipeggers now at a workable minimum

8. Replaced old air conditioner with more efficient heat pump

7. Cactus Obstacle Course

6. No shortage of arena name jokes

5. Less emphasis on shooting, more emphasis on sunscreen

4. Strict No Gambling Between Periods policy

3. Steve Nash huge on penalty kills

2. Less dehydration since implementing Home tank tops

1. Extended Line of Credit from ACME Inc.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on

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Loose Change: Phoenix Rising