Orville Redenbacher Redfield T. Baum (I always get them mixed up). Up ‘til last week we had lots to worry about and debate over. Now you’ve tidied up the NHL cupboards and all we have left to discuss is who beat who and what player scored the winning goal. Where are the legal writs and the search warrants?
This column lives off of controversy. It’s like cigarettes to me or vitamins, or cigarette-flavoured vitamins. What good can I do with another boring story about a shutout or someone doing something called a hat trick? (That’s where a rabbit/gerbil pops out of a jockstrap isn’t it?)
Herr Bettman, without some dirty, grimy stories you have a terribly boring league. You think I can maintain interest in Roberto Luongo’s choice of conditioner for 82 games? Thirty-six, yeah, but 82?
As Charles Manson once said – or was it Ringo Starr – “I get by with a little help from my friends” and friends, I need your help to get this old ball of scandal going again. If the league can’t be cordial enough to provide us with another steaming dish of controversy, I guess we just need to make some ourselves.
I encourage you to post these on your
pathetic impressive blogs (except bluejacketracket, which beats me for readers each and every week) and pass them off as “real” news. If Descartes can spout off, “I think, therefore I am” then we’ll stick with “we ink, therefore it am is.” As far as we’re concerned it is news. Damn the censors. What is this, after all, Russia?
I give you the headlines. You post it and blather on with the menial filler (I do it all the time). Before long you’ll have as many hits (and requisite credibility) as Pete Rose. Soon we’ll have the NHL back in the newsworthy quagmire we’ve grown to know and love.
And we have some great stories for you to choose from:
CAREY PRICE TO MARKOV: “I MEANT TO DO IT.”
Habs goalie purposely tears teammate’s tendon. “I warned him about using all my body wash and now he paid for it.”
SEDIN TWINS NOT RELATED?
Elaborate “brother” prank by two Swedish school chums finally revealed.
OPENING NIGHT GAMES IN EUROPE WERE FRAUD
Real players basking in French Riviera while animatronic puppets “played.” “You couldn’t see the strings?” Ken Holland admits.
LEAGUE DROPS VERSUS; SIGNS WITH CINEMAX
“It’s more exposure for the NHL,” Bettman says. “More nudity, yes, but more exposure.”
GRETZKY IMPOSTER ARRESTED; REAL GREAT ONE RELEASED FROM CAPTIVITY
“I thought that guy’s coaching record would have been an obvious clue,” Gretzky wonders.
BETTMAN AND BALSILLIE SECRETLY FRIENDS?
Facebook scandal rocks hockey world.
SINCE RECESSION DON CHERRY HAS BEEN LIVING IN SQUALOR
“I’ve had to make suits from old drapes,” hockey icon admits.
CANADIENS’ GIONTA CAUGHT WITH GROWTH HORMONE
“Without the stuff I’m 3-foot-8,” says Habs winger.
ISLANDERS TO RELOCATE TO PHOENIX
“Sure Glendale can’t support one team, but have we tried two?” Commish asks.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you Loose Change every second Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.