The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Man, I'd love to be Harley Hotchkiss. Aside from that whole chick-magnet thing and having unlimited access to Flames' tickets, the man is entering The Promised Land of the Hockey World. He is going from simply being an influential member of the puck fraternity to a made man with a really cool jacket. Harley is being inducting into the Hockey Hall of Fame and he's bringing three friends with him.
So what's the big deal about induction into The Hockey Hall of Fame? I can't believe you (or at least me, rhetorically) asked that question. Well, aside from the aforementioned jacket, the privileges, perks and benefits of being an alumnus are almost incalculable.
Lets' see, there's that ring. Aside from being a bombastic piece of eye-popping jewelry that can blind rodents and scare small children, it has over seventy two hand-cut diamonds. Word has it, it can play MP3s as well.
Then there's the cool plaque they put up in the Hall with your pretty face on it, a little bio about you, some abstract statistics, your date of birth and date of passing (or, at minimum, the day they predict you'll, uhÂ…expire). I don't care who you are, walking into a building and seeing your picture on the wall is a pretty uniquely incredible experience, unless you're in theater, you drive a taxi or you knocked over a liquor store recently.
In restaurants, you'll never have to tip your server again, eventually. There is a traditional hockey custom whereby the newest members of the Hall pay any gratuities for those that preceded them, in perpetuity. Newsy Lalonde is reportedly still cleaning up on this puppy.
Of course, people will also treat you a lot differently once they know, or you know, you're in the Hall of Fame. You're likely to receive a lot of comped goods, everyone will want to have their picture taken with you and don't be surprised if that old girlfriend from eighth grade tries to get in contact with you. Sure, she's in a home now and she thought she was calling the Pope, but still, sweet revenge is yours.
And I haven't even begun to talk about your Extended Health Coverage. Hall members have virtually everything, physically, taken care of by the HHOF Wal-Mart Extendo Health Plan. This comprehensive package covers you in case of say, natural gas fires while sailing, hyena attacks while in your basement or being crushed by really, really large birds. It has pretty much everything you'd ever want except a dental component but, then again, neither do you.
Lastly the biggest and most impressive of all Hall perks is the superpowers you gain when wearing the Members' Jacket. Were you aware that that thing will allow you to walk through walls? Seriously. Try it. It may take a couple hundred tries to master and you might notice the alumni laughing a little, but we believe in you, rookie. We really do.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com