The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
The National Hockey League has never been one to market itself well. Perhaps it has a lot to do with its traditionally limited budget or its traditionally limited appeal, but the marketing plans they tend to come up with are, well, traditionally limited. They need to find a way to turn apathy into happathy and frankly, they never have.
The league got itself off on the wrong foot right from the start, way back in 1917 with its Make War No More. Fighting Builds Character Though Lads.
Of course there was that disastrous marketing fiasco in 1930 with the league's We Know You're StarvingÂ…To See Hockey!
From there, a succession of awful slogans and marketing plans that could choke a horse, particularly their campy (yet popular) 1936 slogan, Our Boys Are So Strapping They Could Choke A Horse.
Then there was that commercial association with Albert Cranston's A-1 Lye Soap that came with the claim: Â“Albert Cranston's A-1 Soap and The National Hockey League Â– We Both Clean Clocks.Â” Sadly, Albert died shortly thereafter, getting his clock cleaned by a jealous member of the Maple Leafs whose wife's clock he was, er, cleaning.
Personal favorites of mine since then were (a) 1955's Football Is For Communists (b) 1969's If You Think Drugs Can Kill, Watch Number Seven and (c) 1974's We Know You Maim.
And, I'll admit, I found the recent Â“Coolest Game on EarthÂ” slogan to be quite clever, although, if you've ever seen penguins play Poker, you'll begin to wonder about the validity of the actual statement.
Now we've had, for the last few years, the ubiquitous Â‘Game On' tagline. Sure, for those who know hockey, it has a grand pedigree, but for the average or casual fan? Game On? I Need Puck. I Want Stick. Tarzan Eat Now.
The game needs more sizzle. It needs to add some flavor to its generally banal image. It needs some real creativity. To wit:
Ever Seen A Duck Beat On A Shark?
We Last. You Best Believe Dat.
Learn How To Swear In Thirty Languages.
Watch Us Or The Terrorists Win.
The National Hockey: Soft On Nudity, Hard On Liquor and Everyone Wins A Prize.
Now you have their attentionÂ…
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday during the season and every Tuesday during the summer only on thehockeynews.com.
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