The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Truth be told, Bob Clarke is a big softie at heart. As he announced he was stepping down from his General Manager position, he took one final opportunity to close the many open doors he had opened during his career. There were heartfelt congratulations, words of advice, and extended hands of friendship. Death threats were minimal but it is still early..
To those who haven't read the terribly wordy transcript in The Enquirer or seen the tear-jerking finale on The Oxygen Network, read on..
Â“To Ken Hitchcock: Who would have thought that both of us would be out of a job on the exact same day? You're a great coach and I know you'll resurface somewhere. Oh yeah, keep the mustache shaved off. It makes your cheeks look puffy.Â”
Â“To Paul Holmgren: Paul, if I can pass on but one nugget of information, it is this: you must keep up with the times and scour the world for talent, wherever it may be. Only diligent research will keep you on top. Hint: I like this kid, Mike Bossy. See if you can nab him in the second round.Â”
Â“To Ed Snider: Ed, you taught me so much about business and about life and about busting unions. I'll remember our fishing trips to Walden Pond and the way you taught me how to fly a kite (or at least how to hire low-wage idiots who would fly them for us so we could better use the time to go get tanked).Â“
Â“To John Stevens: Who the Hell are you? Are you the guy from The Love Boat? Is that even a real name?Â”
Â“To the Philadelphia Spectrum: Thanks for making Philadelphia a truly awful place to visit - for a visiting team at least. No, actually, for anybody. I guess we can fess about where those bodies are buried now.Â”
Â“To Eric Lindros: To the son I never had. We didn't always see eye to eye, but I always respected your talent, your professionalism and your candor, which would make you a talented, professional whiner in my books. Yeah, love you too.Â”
Â“To Gary Bettman: The game is now faster, with more skill and with more excitement. The game is being played in such obscure places as Raleigh and Nashville. Salaries throughout the league have standardized the product. The sport has inexplicably changed and to you I owe simply this: You cost me a job you lil' puke.Â”
Â“To Harry Sinden: We go way back old friend. I guess contacting you like this is partly to show that the horse may die, but the jockey lives on, and to ask if perhaps you remember where I parked? It was a '67 Vista Cruiser and I believe Reggie Leach and I drove in together. Needless to say, Reggie hasn't returned my calls.Â”
Â“To Boris Mikhailov: I sure hope you got the candygram. I never heard.Â”
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org