The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
The final series has just started and already we're being bombarded with questions. Answering them is just a simple case of grabbing a pen, whipping out some paper and sniffing some more Lysol.
And away we goÂ…
I recognize that one referee from Game 1. You know, the one with those long, curly locks of hair? Where do I know him from?
That's Robert Reed. You probably remember him best from his role as Mike Brady on The Brady Bunch.
I don't get OLN. Can you help?
One minute they're showing a guy in a kayak, the next they're showing a kick save in Raleigh. Frankly, I don't get it either.
I think Gary Bettman's hot. Is that wrong?
It's only wrong if you're (a) his doctor (b) his Mom (c) Bill Daly.
Did I hear correctly, that there's a Carolina CSI?
Yes there was, but it didn't last long. There's only so many ways to twist a story about people stealing tires from pit crews.
I think Bob Cole may be losing it. I just heard him refer to Fernando Pisani as The Pizza Guy. Is something up?
Bob Cole has actually been living in a Seniors' Villa in New Brunswick since 2001. What you're hearing is all Harry Neale, who is both a great ventriloquist and puppeteer.
Are Hurricanes fans any more cultured on the game of hockey than they used to be?
Yes, for the most part, although they still feel compelled to yell Â“OleÂ” on offisides.
Can Ty Conklin carry the mail for the Oilers?
Absolutely. If they need packages or parcels delivered, Ty's the man. Hockey, not so much.
I missed the Commissioner's State of the Union address. Could you summarize what he said?
Basically (a) things are great (b) money's up (c) my new boat's finally paid for.
You're on record stating you think the Oilers will win the Stanley Cup. Still want to stick with that thought?
You don't bail after slight bumps in the road. What kind of prognosticator would I be if I wavered on my thoughts? I still stick by my Carolina Oilers in six prediction.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com