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Loose Change: Inside the Cristobal

Charlie Teljeur
By:
The Hockey News
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Loose Change: Inside the Cristobal

Charlie Teljeur
By:

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Loose Change: You're a goalie from St. Martin D'Heres, France, in the NHL. Do you ever pinch yourself?

Cristobal Huet: Sometimes getting out of the car or wearing a tight vest but not usually.

LC: You overcame great odds to make it.

CH: Make what?

LC: The NHL.

CH: I didn't make the NHL. I just play in it.

LC: Did you play soccer when you were growing up?

CH: In France all children play soccer from the time they are born. They're actually quite good at that age but can't stand up without assistance. Most of the games end up as scoreless ties.

LC: What team did you want to play for when you were a boy?

CH: I'm still a boy.

LC: I mean, who did you dream of playing for when you were younger?

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. I'm not sure if they still have a team.

LC: Cristobal. That's a very interesting name. Where did it come from?

My parents.

LC: What's Paris really like?

CH: Not nearly as beautiful as people would think. Actually quite trashy.

LC: I was referring to Paris Hilton.

CH: Me too.

LC: You share the goaltending duties with David Aebischer, who's from Switzerland. How's that working out?

CH: We have a good relationship I think, although I think my Alps are much bigger than his.

LC: The mountains?

CH: Sure.

LC: Do French stereotypes bother you?

CH: Hmmm...

LC: Could you mime it?

CH: (Obliges) (Nods in agreement, traps himself in a box)

LC: How many berets do you own?

CH: I don't own a beret. You have to lease them.

LC: Is there anybody in the NHL that really annoys you?

CH: Ville Nieminen.

LC: Because of his abrasive nature?

CH: Because he insists on pairing grilled chicken with a Beaujolais. What is he, a caveman?

LC: Yeah, what's up with that? Do you like playing in a hockey hotbed like Montreal?

CH: It beats driving a taxi in Lyons.

LC: You've driven a taxi in Lyons?

CH: It might have been Marseilles. I was pretty tanked.

LC: What would you say to kids out there who want to be just like Cristobal Huet?

CH: Work hard, practice, study, eat your vegetables and when somebody asks you to pull their finger, don't.

LC: Any parting words?

CH: We have a saying in France that translates roughly to: “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and it's his hands that get slimey”.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com

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Loose Change: Inside the Cristobal