Don't go changing, to try and please me…
It’s amazing how everyone likes to kick you when you’re down and, when you’re the Toronto Maple Leafs, that’s a heck of a lot of kicking. You end up with more boot marks than a washroom at the rodeo.
It’s so easy for others to nitpick over what they see as failings. They’ll bring up all that forty years without a championship crap. Frankly, winning is for losers. It’s highly overrated. Sure you get one brief shining moment every so often, but that buzz lasts less than what you get from American beer.
You never let me down before...
Then your fans are left with high expectations and a thirst for more. Soon you suffer the indignation of being the local bully with the glass jaw. The other kids are beating the snot out of you and all you can do is point to the old pictures of when you owned the monkey bars.
Don't imagine you're too familiar...
What most people don’t seem to appreciate is the amount of effort it takes to be this bad for this long. You think an infinite stream of incompetence just happens? Grab some dice and try not to roll snake eyes. It’s virtually impossible (except for snakes themselves who aren’t really built to hold dice, but I digress).
To continually follow one bad decision or one error in judgment or one pathetic prospect with another is a miracle of biblical proportions. Jesus himself could possibly break the vicious losing cycle, but that’s assuming he’d actually take the job and that he knows the value of stay-at-home defensemen from Moose Jaw. Plus he’d have to relax his stance on a guaranteed five-year contract and we all know that ain’t likely to happen.
And I don't see you anymore...
But losing, especially losing in such a grand fashion and with the consistency you do, is worth acknowledging.
You see, pathetic sells.
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble...
Imagine the scenario, were the Leafs ever to do the unthinkable, rather the improbable, I mean the unlikely - OK it’d be another freaking miracle – and actually win the Stanley Cup. (I’ll pause for a couple of moments to allow someone to revive Grandpa.)
What would people talk about?
Who’d be willing to do a scathing expose on Maple Leafs Sports & Entertainment?
What would we writers and reporters do?
What would this writer do?
We never could have come this far...
The Toronto Maple Leafs are, to yours truly, what bald tires are to tow trucks. Without them I am nothing. How many jokes do you think one can get from the Nashville Predators? OK, bad example, how about the Columbus Blue Jackets? There is but a finite number of funny concepts in most teams. The Leafs are the humorous equivalent to the bottomless cup of coffee (both, now that I think of it, will also keep you wide-awake if you ingest too much).
Please, Maple Leaf brass, keep finding ways to consistently avoid the win column. Keep making bonehead moves and having the balls to believe you’re actually headed in the right direction (only you, dead lawyers and wingless airplanes share that particular direction).
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times...
Keep telling your poor fans how much you appreciate their dedication and how much you’re committed to “bringing the Cup back to Toronto.” (Roughly equivalent to trying to put a four-year-old robin back into the egg).
And keep doing all of it with that straight face with nary a snicker that you’ve gotten so good at doing. Yeah, that one.
I'll take you just the way you are.
This is killer material.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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