The NHL has reached an apex. In racing terms we’re into the homestretch. Time to reminisce. Or whine a little.
Chicago: Leading the Conference because of a strong nucleus and, as they say, it all starts with the nucleus. (Note to self: look up “nucleus”)
San Jose: In medical terms, a fear of Spring is called Runandhideaphobia.
Colorado: One bad year and you’re suddenly back to lofty status? That’s not how it works. We’re not big on rebels in this platoon.
Phoenix: Never before heard in the history of hockey: “Everything changed for the better when we got rid of Wayne.”
Calgary: Team Canada snubs Robyn Regehr, Dion Phaneuf and Jay Bouwmeester and now they’re angry. Please ensure all insurance forms are completely filled out when entering the Calgary zone.
Nashville: In a town built on hurtin’ music, playoff aspirations are considered a detriment. Despair baby, despair.
Los Angeles: Not since Farrah has L.A. been so inspired by someone’s hair. Thank you Ryan Smyth. Thank you Pert Plus.
Vancouver: One Sedin brother can’t carry this team. One of them isn’t carrying his weight.
Detroit: It’s entirely possible this is the first year since 1990 that the Red Wings miss the post-season. It’s so bad in Mo-town Gordie Howe has threatened to have his butt tattoo removed.
Dallas: Rumblings about favoritism in the Stars dressing room. Personally I think Mike Modano has earned his second period naptime.
Minnesota: “Dear Marian. What happened between us, who’s to blame? Does it really matter? Thing is, I miss you deeply...”
St. Louis: Compared to the Cardinals you’re a complete failure, sure, but compared to the Rams…
Anaheim: Keep your despair to yourself, please. Like Brian Burke needs food for that ego.
Columbus: Seriously? They still think they can make the post-season? Darned Tyutin! (sorry)
Edmonton: Coach Pat Quinn, you picked the Oilers to complete your Stanley Cup Bingo card? Did you ever block shots with your head when you played? Just asking…
New Jersey: Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!
Buffalo: Ryan Millar leads in shutouts, save percentage, seas parted…
Washington: Sure, say what you will about Ovie’s contribution, but, as a dog lover, you gotta love what a Beagle brings to the team.
Pittsburgh: Sidney Crosby fifth in scoring; fifth in goals; first in whining.
Boston: FYI – Your spell checker starts to smoke when you feed in “Tuukka Rask.”
Ottawa: Elliott and Leclaire? Didn’t they win pairs gold in Turin?
NY Rangers: The over/under on John Tortorella’s head exploding is (game) 58.
Montreal: I can’t wait until next year’s 101st Birthday Extravaganza.
Atlanta: Nik Antropov? Maxim Afinogenov? Pavel Kubina? Atlanta has become the NHL’s Walter Reed Military Hospital. You can walk again…
Tampa Bay: Sixty-fourth overall draft pick in 2004 and (apparent) Lightning forward Martins Karsums named to Latvian Olympic team. St-Louis, Stamkos and Lecavalier renounce Canadian citizenship, begin Latvian classes Monday.
NY Islanders: Playoffs? Hockey in April? Your counsellor, Mr. Trottier will explain..
Philadelphia: “We decided to go ahead with autopsy. Too early?”
Florida: You can either watch this or something more inspirational, like whales being trapped on the beach.
Toronto: “Man, the Hurricanes suck! I’d sure hate be the Hurricanes.” Repeat until suicidal fantasies disappear.
Carolina: Let construction of the Taylor Hall Suite begin!
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you the humor column Loose Change every Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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