The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Time to catch up on some of that email that keeps plugging up the old Inbox.
What's the best way to survive a Buffalo attack?
- Bob C, Philadelphia
It's best to lie dormant, don't move and, whatever you do, don't attempt to fight back. Good job so far.
I've heard Hurricanes can be deadly. Is this true?
- Saku K, Montreal
Historically, Hurricanes are much more lethal in winter than in the spring. If caught in the path of one, stay low and be patient. Normally its intensity will die down dramatically as seasons change from winter to say, NASCAR.
I'm worried. Can a damaged shoulder really affect my game?
- Jaromir J, New York
You probably won't have the strength to start with, but take it slow and you will regain your form. Try moving down to a small wood instead of a long iron.
Do you giraffes, toilet brush, my brother Sam, running madly?
- R.J. U, Philadelphia
No. And seven.
Sometimes I think the whole city is staring at my crotch. What's up?
- Dominik H, Ottawa
A Cup will likely stop them from staring.
I've had the same nightmare about being buried alive by an Avalanche, twice. What can I do about this?
- Marty T, Dallas
Try closing your legs. Or stop sleeping at work.
I think I may have a problem with profanity. What should I do?
- Ken H, Philadelphia
Using profane language is normally a poor substitute for a lack of real words to accent your speech. If you find this unflatteringly peppering your sentences, try using a Thesaurus. If you find it's really not a big problem, (expletive) Â‘em.
I think my boys may be possessed. What can I do?
- Glen S, New York
Much like a bear or Buffalo attack, when possessed it's best to lie dormant, don't move and, whatever you do, don't attempt to fight back. Again, good job so far.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org