Let me begin by saying that we here, at The Hockey News, really appreciate your business. We really do. But it's early August and you're looking for a hockey fix. Dude (or dudette), you may have a problem.
A passion is one thing - everyone should have at least one passion (hummel figurines rock, as an example) - but there's a very fine line between passion and obsession.
How can you tell if you have a hockey obsession? Well, the mere fact you're here reading this piece of tripe is a fairly telling clue. As mentioned, it's mid summer and you're scouring the Internet for something Â– anything Â– hockey-related. Really, what are you hoping to find? A huge trade? A big signing? News about a bachelor party gone awry (or ahh-rye, I suppose)?
Just suppose you do garner some news about some mega-deal brewing. Your natural next step will, of course, be to notify your buddies by running down to the dock acting like Barbaro has just risen from the dead. Your friends, subsequently, will either:
(a) be amazed Â– signifying a similar damning obsession (which, on the plus side, means you're eligible for a group rate on professional counseling)
(b) tell you you're blocking their rays and ask you to pass them another beer (since you're up)
(c) re-iterate, once again, their illuminating theory behind why you still don't have a girlfriend
In all of the possible scenarios you will feel largely unfulfilled and annoyingly-impatient, like the guy who buys a tennis racket during a snowstorm.
You have to find things to quench this thirst. You have to find ways to adapt to life without hockey Â– at least for a couple of months Â– or it might kill you (based on some do-it-yourself at-home science conducted on gerbils).
If it killed you, you'd be dead. And if you were dead, it would take a heavy toll on me.
Libel insurance is damn expensive.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org