Loose Change: Captain Crunch & the Top 12 List

Charlie Teljeur
Nov 3, 2006
The Hockey News

Loose Change: Captain Crunch & the Top 12 List

Charlie Teljeur
Nov 3, 2006

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, framing this, or burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

You have to admire the Ottawa Senators. Their captain, Daniel Alfredsson is currently mired in a fairly substantial scoring slump, the team he “leads” is off to its worst start since the hallowed Jamie Baker Days, and Alfredsson's actual leadership abilities are being questioned, again. Still, as hockey players often do, they are rallying moral support to staunchly and publicly stand behind their embattled leader. (Slight aside here: Why do supporters always stand behind someone when being beside would be much more beneficial?)

Pick a media type and chances are you've heard Alfredsson being royally defended more than an 18-year-old by her Dad on Prom Night. If supporting your captain is the right thing to do and the right thing to do is to support your captain, then the Ottawa Senators are doing the right thing. The question is: Do they mean it?

Confidential documents, obtained through an anonymous source (OK, it's SpartaCatÂ…we admit it), portray something slightly different than what we see on the airwaves and read about in the local papers. Daniel Alfredsson may have the Senators' wheel, but evidently the whole drive train's missing. Go ahead, read for yourself..

Public Letter to Ottawa Senators' fans, various media and that guy who sells Gyros near the Bus Stop, re: support for Captain Daniel Alfredsson.
October 28 2006.
(first draft)

Hey You Dear People of Rome Ottawa Folks,

This letter is a gesture testament thing we came up with of public support for our beloved Captain Beeker Fuzzyhead Daniel Alfredsson. While it is true that he basically sucks is going through some Swedish Voodoo thing a tough time personally and the team is not presently reaming people like we're accustomed to as successful as we would like, we still unequiv uneqwiv holehartedl really support like whatshisname Daniel.

While we would like to see a sign of life greater point totals for him and try hitting something more fluffy towels wins for the team, we are down cool comfortable with buggy eyes Daniel being as nerdy as he is our leader. We find the recent teasing rumors of a possible expulsion trade involving him very enticing disturbing and hope this is true, if that Conroy thing is accurate nothing more than pipedreaming idle talk.

We three of us all expect a so-so great and that trip to Arby's successful conclusion to the season for everyone but Schubert all of us on the Senators team and are praying confident that Mr. Big Bucks But Won't Sweat Alfredsson can provide us with that Ticket Girl's number the guidance and inspiration that great tee off time again to capture the raccoon that keeps stealing the water bottles the Stanley Cup.

We like your hair believe in you Daniel.

Confidently sighed signed,
The one guy who can write Ottawa Senators

Oh, and while we're at it, here's your Weekly Top 12 List.

Top 12 Possible Reasons behind Daniel Alfredsson's Funk

12. Really taking this global warming thing hard
11. unmailed Chain Letter
10. Misses picking on Norwegians
9. McGrattan doesn't pass enough
8. Unhealthy addiction to crossword puzzles
7. Unrelenting desire to work at IKEA
6. Too many fighting majors
5. Chronic jock itch
4. Misses Patrick Lalime's bedtime stories
3. Sick of hockey. Wants to dance.
2. Out of hair gel
1. Doesn't speak Canadian

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on

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Loose Change: Captain Crunch & the Top 12 List