The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Corporate sports sponsorships often make a lot of dollars, but often times not a lot of sense.
Take the Office Depot Center, home of the Florida Panthers. What exactly is it about southern Florida that makes you think of staples? Of course, in that regard, Los Angeles having the Staples Center really works. When they couldn't get the Rhinoplasty Palace on the marquee, this was the next best thing.
And the RBC Center representing Raleigh, North Carolina? Isn't that a bank? Wouldn't Under My Mattress Savings & Loan Center be more applicable given the circumstances?
And what's with all these buildings being named after banks anyway? I guess it helps in the foreclosure process, but when I hear TD Banknorth Garden I think it sounds like something from an old WW II flick (Victor Charlie Echo...commence bombing raid on TD Banknorth Garden, I repeat...).
Then, of course, there's the march of the airline sponsors: Continental, American, United, and Air Canada. I figure, if you're going to go this route, lets complete the chain and have every team covered. New York gets American, Boston gets United, Phoenix gets Southwest, Tampa gets Jet Blue and Columbus adopts Ed McMahon Airlines. Sounds about right.
Of course, sometimes they do get it right. You have to admire the cajones it took for St. Louis to be called The Save Us Center or Pittsburgh to have the Lemon Arena (even though it's often times misspelled on the programs).
Nashville gets the Gaylord Entertainment Center? Thanks Brokeback Mountain.
And poor Edmonton. How do you go from being a Coliseum to a Center to a Place in fifteen years? Now, poor Oilers fans don't even attempt to determine where they're headed on game night. They just point and mumble, secure in the knowledge that they're headed to biggest drug store in the world should the pain from that migraine become insurmountable.
Lastly, can I suggest the first name trade in hockey between Washington and Long Island? Not so much for getting Veterans Coliseum tied nicely to the storied nation's capital but, if any team could do with being tied to a communications expert, it would have to be the Islanders.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org