The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
If there's one thing you can count on in this world of ours (besides the infinite amount of idiots addicted to reality TV) it's the utter reliability of those who wear the Canadian flag abroad. Whether it's on the shoulders of the soldiers who defend Canada or on the backpacks of adopted Americans looking to score with hot Portuguese chicks, wearing that symbol brings out a certain, innate resourcefulness in its wearer. Somehow, that flag brings out a firmness of judgment and a clarity of purpose.
And, while the present firestorm of Canadian conscience rages on Parliament Hill, Team Canada Â– the hockey team Â– rallies around itself and its captain (capitaine) at the World Championships in Moscow.
By now you may have heard about the incident, back in 2005, when Shane Doan (leader of both said national team and rag-tag bunch of desert canines at the time) apparently uttered anti-French ethnic slurs directed towards the officials working a game in Montreal. Anyway, after a league investigation, a royal commission, three Supreme Courts acquittals and a series of urine and/or blood tests, these allegations were deemed Â“groundless.Â”
End of story, right?
Well, not so for Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe, who finds Doan's appointment as the captain of Team Canada, both blasphemous and hypocritical (why a man, whose sole purpose seems to be to separate from Canada, would be so engrossed by who represents the nation he wants to sever so badly from is anybody's guess..). Mister, excuser moi, Monsieur Duceppe, wants Doan removed as team captain and replaced by someone more reflective of the nation he evidently despises.
Well, back in Canada, while Parliament spends millions of dollars deciding on the exact placement of the apostrophe, Team Canada Â– the hockey team Â– is rallying around its embattled leader and sending a definitive signal to the doubters and naysayers back at home. Besides doing their best by attempting to win a championship for those Canadians left who don't hold grudges and who believe in the presumption of innocence, the players are taking steps to prove their version of Canada includes all races, all colors and all people hell-bent on dissolving Confederation.
Through salient, conscious gestures, albeit little ones, the players want to extend the proverbial olive branch, to those who may have been offended in this process and those who seem to like this crazy little democracy notion thingey.
Herein, the 12 steps Team Canada has taken in an attempt to bury this controversyÂ…
TOP 12 TEAM CANADA UNIFYING GESTURES
12 hearty pea soup served between periods
11 players now willing to investigate the potential Â“coolnessÂ” of cigarettes
10 Gold Medal Victory Tour will now include French strip clubs, as well
9 no right turns, any time
8 reinstitution of Rene Simard Appreciation Hour
7 introduction of Maple Syrup-flavored Gatorade
6 Bombardier now official skate supplier
5 players' profane now in both official languages
4 Jamal Mayers' name now pronounced may-ee
3 Strength and Conditioning Coach replaced by Asian contortionist from Cirque Du Soleil
2 Forty pounds of poutine now eaten at every pre-game meal
1 Celine Dion CDs now mandatory
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
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