The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Forgive me for sounding a little disappointed, but the announcement Jim Balsillie as the new owner of the Pittsburgh Penguins is, well, somewhat underwhelming.
I'm sure his mom is proud and his nerdy friends are rightfully jealous that (a) he's that rich and (b) has likely kissed a girl, but the news isn't exactly earth shattering.
Perhaps I'm simply lamenting the fact we won't be seeing slightly askew Mark Cuban in the league any time soon. Word has it that the sticking point in getting the deal was the NHL's refusal to give him court-side seating (they did offer a perch on top of the Pens' net, but Cuban refused).
The NHL needs maverick and spicy owners like Cuban to help sell the product to people who think Â“penalty killingÂ” is some sort of assisted suicide. Rest assured, the man would have made his presence felt.
The league would do well to find ways to attract the A-listers, the stinking rich, and all the other media whores like Cuban who could raise the league profile by simple association.
Hell, who needs proof or credibility? The more unsubstantiated, the better.
Imagine the buzz created when the world finds out Oprah wants to purchase the San Jose Sharks because she feels Â“the teal really brings out her eyes.Â” Is the NHL fully aware of the buying power of the much sought after weepy demographic?
Stephen King writes horror novels weekly (actually lately, it's weakly) and is probably In need of a little career boost. Convince the man to buy the Black Hawks, move into the United Center and, before you know it, From Bad to Wirtz is screaming up the charts. Now, that's horror.
Bill Gates gives astronomical amounts of money to the downtrodden, to the weak, to the poor, to the forgotten, to the insignificant, and to the powerless every year. Mr. Bettman, I think that was your cueÂ…
The NHL: a league full of very fit, largely attractive men who dress in nylon stockings, wear oversized shorts and still insist on donning suspenders. Tommy Hilfiger should feel the back of his neck tingling strangely right about now.
Michael Jackson jets off to strange countries with unpronounceable names just to escape the constant media hype and badgering by the paparazzi. You can go to Qatar if you want but how do you feel about Sunrise, Florida? Bring Bubbles if you like.
Or, Paris Hilton convinces Daddy that she'd like to run a hockey franchise or frankly, all of them. The NHL would entice that craved 18-35 male crowd.
To attract the right mouse, you need the right cheese. Start slicing.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday during the season and every Tuesday during the summer only on thehockeynews.com.
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