The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Being a backup goalie isn't the depressing life you might have heard it is.
Sure, the money's not great and you're always stuck talking to that rich dude's bratty kid, but there are some real benefits - 10 in fact.
1. Eligible for substantial discounts through Oprah's Book Club.
2. Less showering means better ph-balanced skin.
3. Can bring your pet chinchilla to work and no one even notices.
4. Unlimited games of Battleship with the goal judge via cell phone.
5. More time to work on your turtle impression.
6. Everyone buys your Â“I could have stopped that oneÂ” line.
7. Ample time to work on your resume.
8. The most door hinge knowledge of anyone on the entire roster. Bar none.
9. Even though you're at the bottom of the team hierarchy, you're King of the Ushers.
10. Getting paid not contingent on your being sober.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com