The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
And so it begins. Endgame. The glorious battle set in motion. On one side, a warrior, a gladiator - a Senator. On the other, uhÂ… a Duck.
The two best teams face off for the rights to Lord Stanley's Cup. The right to hoist it aloft. The right to drink champagne from its bowl. The right to take it home, share it with friends and family, dress it up in women's clothing and refer to it as Penelope, sweet sweet Penelope.
If the Senators win, the Stanley Cup finally returns to Canada. Please fill out the following forms and have a seat. We should be able to process your application by early November.
If the Ducks win, the Cup stays south of the border, continues on its sunny tour of the American tropics, eventually falling dead from malignant melanoma in three years.
If the Senators win, it will finally put to rest that inane urban legend about non-Canadian captains incapable of holding the Stanley Cup (with their webbed fingers and all).
If the Ducks win, it proves webbed feet trump webbed fingers.
If the Senators win, the Ducks will know they erred in not dressing George Parros and increasing the invaluable Mustache Factor.
If the Ducks win, Brian McGrattan will have somehow found his way onto the Senators' power play.
If the Senators win, Oleg Saprykin. Joe Corvo, Mike Comrie and Tom Preissing will line up at the karma pay window, thank God, Allah or the Magic Eight Ball and start removing body parts.
If the Ducks win, it will prove to Chris Pronger that all the pain and strife of the move was ultimately all worth it in the end. It will solidify his place in the Anaheim family and the.. uh, Chris Â– Glen Sather on Line 2.
If the Senators win, the vortex that is the Toronto Maple Leafs grows infinitely larger, swallowing Stephen Hawking whole, thereby nullifying their last chance at survival. Oh, and ticket prices increase.
If the Ducks win, 12 people in southern California will notice. Eight will care.
If the Senators win, there's a big party scheduled at bioresearch magnate Eugene Melnyk's mansion. Have some food. Drink some wine. Don't touch the pills.
And, if the Ducks win Â– they're going to Disneyland Â– except, this time, they'll have to pay.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com