The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
So you have yourself a new Sean Avery? Have you ever had a Sean Avery? Do you know how to properly look after a Sean Avery?
Owning a Sean Avery is a very big step for you and your family. It is a lifelong commitment. While Sean Averys can be loyal, trustworthy and obedient, they can also be quite the handful. Unfortunately in the wrong circumstances, Sean Averys can be belligerent and downright nasty. It is suggested that you define territory and boundaries with him as soon and as often as possible.
Sean Averys are very loyal and extremely obliging in the right situation. They have a protective nature that makes them excellent for guarding prized possessions and a feisty attitude that will keep malevolent strangers at bay. Rest assured your Sean Avery will defend you, and your loved ones, to no end.
Sean Averys, unfortunately, also have a history of being very independent, reckless and unruly. Without proper guidelines and the odd snap on the nose, you might be faced with the possibility of having to again move him to a situation more conducive to the rigidity and obedience he dearly needs.
Hopefully, to avoid that, we recommend the following:
1. Set rules and stick to them. Fear of losing a loving home usually reins in problematic Sean Averys
2. Make sure he gets the appropriate amount of exercise. Not enough and he will likely start punching things. Too much and he'll likely start punching more things.
3. Make him respect the family hierarchy. Sean Averys have a tendency to be controlling. If he can dominate your prized Jagr, he will.
4. Protect him from himself. It is not unheard of for a Sean Avery to lash out at say, an Orr or a Shanahan. Averys tend to react first and then think second. Acting on his hard-wired instincts may lead to his own demise.
5. Time your walks. Sean Averys, for some reason, are mostly nocturnal creatures and seem to be most active late at night. Take him out to get just enough of the nighttime air, but do not let him roam on his own or you might not see him for days.
6. Keep your Sean Avery away from all electronic recording devices. It is unclear whether the high frequencies of these devices bother him but, when in close proximity, Sean Averys tend to bark incessantly and uncontrollably causing unnecessary embarrassment to both he and his owner.
7. Keep your receipt. While it's entirely possible you may have a satisfactory and relatively uneventful relationship with your Sean Avery, it is also very likely you may one day regret the day you were sucked in by that big heart, that protective stance and those imposing fangs. Remember, he was in the pound in the first place for a reason.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at email@example.com