The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Time to answer some mail.
Q. I didn't see Loose Change anywhere in The Hockey News' recent Top 100 People of Power and Influence list. Did I miss something?
A. Oh we were there. After the Top 100, you'll see a list of Almosts. After that there's assorted writing credits, spare stunt people and a listing for janitorial services. We were the back-up caterer.
Q. Marian Gaborik returned to the Wild lineup after missing 34 games. Will he notice anything different?
A. Aside from the four teammates who retired, the two who died and the other nine who are now in a rest home, no.
Q. The New Jersey Devils new building will be apparently be called The Prudential Center. Was that the company's first choice?
A. They originally wanted to with The Damned House of Pagan Sacrifice but weren't aware MLSE owns the continental territorial rights.
Q. Jarome Iginla has an MCL sprain. What's that feel like?
A. For Jarome it's an uncomfortable tightness in the left knee. For the Flames it's a sharp pain in the butt.
Q. Is Mario Lemieux serious about heading to Kansas City?
A. If his recent quote is any indicationÂ…
Â“I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come
They got a crazy way of loving there
And I'm gonna get me some.Â”
Â…I'd have to say he's serious.
Q. Why would the NHL choose to award U.S. broadcast rights to such an obscure network like OLN (now known as Versus or Vs., so it requires even less time to ponder the choice)?
A. The league was prepared to accept a better offer from Home and Garden Television, but NHL bylaws prohibit using the word Â“puckÂ” and the word Â“weedÂ” in the same sentence.
Q. Can the Phoenix Coyotes make the playoffs?
A. Speaking of weedÂ…(see above).
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.