Sometimes, we sports writers accentuate the negative too much, obsessing over every head shot and goalie fight. Time for a break. And nothing highlights the fun side of the game like…
Planning an over-the-top, Heat-style bank job using NHL personnel.
I’m in big trouble with my bookie after betting on Edmonton Oilers futures and need to make back millions in one big score. Luckily I’ve assembled an all-star crew to help me with the job.
SECURITY CAMERA DETAIL: Brendan Shanahan, Nathan Gerbe
As the man who spends his days reviewing video, Shanny knows how to scout every security camera the night before the big job. Then we send itty bitty Gerbe, all 5-foot-5 of him, in through the vents to disable the cameras.
SWEET TALKER: Henrik Lundqvist
Hey. If we can manage the heist with no mess, a la George Clooney in Out Of Sight, that’s the way to go. ‘King Henrik’ will put on his best suit, grow his shadow beard to maximum sexiness and charm the teller. Gender or sexual orientation of the teller won’t matter; this is Henrik friggin’ Lundqvist. He could charm an inanimate object into becoming animate and falling for him. Ideally, the teller will just hand Hank the keys to the vault. Though if that happens, Hank will want a huge cut of the score.
GUARD NEUTRALIZER: John Scott
He’s all we need. Big, strong and an expert at targeting the head. He’ll have the guards unconscious in seconds. You’ve found your calling, Johnny.
CROWD CONTROL: John Tortorella
Torts is born for this job. He’ll shush people left and right, make them feel two feet tall, and use as few words as possible to diffuse tense situations.
Hostage: You have no right to –
Tortorella: Stop talking. You stink. Kiss my ass.
(hostage hangs head, sits on floor)
VAULT TEAM: Pavel Datsyuk, Zdeno Chara
Datsyuk has the soft hands and awareness needed to crack the safe and get it open. Chara will be the bag man, simply because no one can carry more bags of money at once.
SNIPER: Ray Bourque
If the SWAT team closes in on us, I have a secret weapon. Who needs Arnie with a minigun? Not my crew. My sharpshooter never misses:
HEAVY WEAPONRY: Alex Ovechkin
If the cops overwhelm Bourque on the roof, I send in Ovie. All he does is shoot and shoot and shoot some more. He’ll miss a lot, but he’ll lay down some nice cover fire.
GETAWAY DRIVER: Ray Emery
We know he can be trusted to put the pedal to the metal once the crew is inside the car and that’s all that matters.
I’m confident this crew could terrorize the continent with heist after heist. But why would a bunch of millionaires want to steal millions more? Well, as Tom Sizemore says in Heat, “for me, the action is the juice.”
Who’s your NHL bank heist crew? Tell me in the comments section.