The Vancouver Canucks and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, season

John Tortorella

If you were ever a kid, you may have come across the story of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst.

Well, this year’s Canucks season has been each of those things so what better way to describe what a fan’s frustration might be like than through telling the Vancouver tale based on this book?

For Canucks fans, we hope this lightens the mood and for the rest of you, well, we think some of you (ahem, Chicago fans) will take great joy in any illumination of the Canucks’ plight.

Here is, The Vancouver Canucks and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season:

They traded Cory Schneider for a draft pick in the off-season and before the pre-season even ended Zack Kassian picked up a five-game suspension. And when October came, Vancouver lost six of its first 10 games against Western teams – and we could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season.

When the games started, the Chicago Blackhawks had a well-respected coach. Anaheim and St. Louis had well-respected coaches too! We said John Tortorella was a grump. We said John Tortorella was a grinch. We said, if the Canucks don’t pick someone else, he’ll become a distraction during the season. No one even answered.

We could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season.

We should just daydream about the Stanley Cup.

In Future Watch, THN ranked Canucks prospects 28th. On the roster, only one rookie has more than three points. When we called for change, they said we’re forgetting about the two Presidents’ Trophies. Who needs the Presidents’ Trophy?

We could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season.

There were two good goalies keeping the Blues near the top and Tampa Bay got a boost from Ben Bishop’s .929 save percentage. And in Colorado, Semyon Varlamov has 32 wins that will put him in the hunt for the Vezina Trophy.

Guess whose GM forgot to keep one of his goalies?

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season.

That’s what it was. Because as the season went on the Sedins weren’t scoring and the team’s offense dropped precipitously!

“Come back next week and they’ll be scoring again,” said the GM.

“Next week,” we said, “we’re only going to be able to daydream about the Stanley Cup.”

On the way down, Roberto Luongo was traded. And while he posted a shutout in his first game with Florida, Eddie Lack allowed five goals on 17 shots in Dallas. And when we started chanting “Lu” because we missed him, other teams laughed and took great joy in the collapse. And as management sent out a letter saying the goal was still to win, we turned around and scolded the GM for making the team so much worse.

The Canucks are having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season, we told everybody. No one in management even answered.

There are six games left against the Eastern Conference and the Canucks hate playing the Eastern Conference. There are nine games left against the Western Conference and the Canucks hate playing the Western Conference.

The coach has lost the room, they allowed seven goals in just the third period, the offense went down the drain and they had to get a goal from Yannick Weber just to beat the Flames. The Canucks hate being as bad as the Flames.

Down the stretch, tickets are too expensive and the excitement around the team burned out, and anyone who picked them to win the West bit their tongue.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad season.

Blackhawks fans said some seasons are like that…even for Stanley Cup champions.

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