Ronnie Shuker is an associate editor with The Hockey News. He brought his philosophy and journalism graduate degrees to THN in 2011 and has been living the dream since. By day he mans his desk, crushing copy and weaving yarns for the magazine. By night he’s either at home or in the press box watching dump-truck loads of hockey.
In Goddard State Park, R.I., a few hundred fans have gathered to reminisce about an American League team that played its last game nearly 40 years ago. They’ve brought books, pamphlets, jerseys, shirts, photos, hockey cards – anything alumni can sign.
And they’re not shy about pimping their paraphernalia: hats, DVDs, pens, mouse pads, shirts, license plate frames, pins, banners, golf shirts, gym bags, aprons, cookbooks, coffee mugs, ornaments, posters, lapel pins and even, yup, doggie hoodies. The island’s once-iconic Rhode Island Reds logo is everywhere.
Talk about moving from the penthouse to the basement. And it’s not like Ryan van Asten was kicked out. This summer, he gave up all that Stanley Cup glory and great weather in Los Angeles to come to Calgary and take over a major fixer-upper in one of the most frigid climates on the NHL map.
Now, before you go thinking ‘What the f-bomb was he thinking?’ van Asten did have very good reasons for leaving sunny southern California after three seasons as the Kings’ strength and conditioning coach.
Puns are like clichés: overused and annoying. At least this editor thinks so. Many headline writers in hockey, however, don’t agree, even at The Hockey News. THN’s other associate editor, Matt Larkin, is known as the office’s inveterate punster. Our associate senior writer, Ryan Kennedy, loves his goofy puns. Even our editor in chief, Jason Kay, gets positively giddy whenever he crafts a “good” pun.
Except there are none. There’s no such thing as a good pun. Puns are like Nickelback songs: all of them are awful, at least in hockey headlines, in which they’re almost always perfectly pointless. Whither the headline writer’s logic goes, no one knows.
With that in mind, here are the 10 NHL players who get punned most painfully, along with the headline writer’s…uh, er…“logic” behind each pun:
His brother’s suicide note said only this: “Jor, go all the way. Take care of the family. You’re the man. Terence.”
For Jordin Tootoo, it was the crossroads of his career. He’d either quit hockey right then and there, or heed his brother’s last words to him and continue on to become the first Inuk to play in the NHL.
This is what frames All the Way: My Life on Ice, which was released today. It’s the mid-career memoir of Tootoo, a tough-as-nails, built-like-a-brick fighter who, against all odds, reached hockey’s highest summit from the small village of Rankin Inlet in Nunavut.
The book’s bountiful f-bombs, derivatives and an assortment other colorful metaphors give it the raw, bare bones feel of being in a bar listening to Tootoo tell his story. Except he’s not drinking. Nearly four years removed from a mid-season stint in rehab, Tootoo is still sober, following more than a decade heavy drinking and all the debauchery and demons that ensued.
So, yeah, the Toronto Maple Leafs are 1-2-0 to start the season. Ho hum. There will be a lot of that in Hogtown this season: losing.
To the surprise of a certain segment of the NHL fan base, however, we at The Hockey News collectively don’t really care whether the Maple Leafs win or lose. We have no horse in that turtle race. Sure, there are Leafs fans among us, but there are also Canadiens fans, a Flames fan and, until recently, even a Panthers fan (no joke). Heck, there’s also some egghead editor whose allegiance shifts annually with his Stanley Cup prediction. (This season, it’s the Ducks.) Read more
You won’t recognize the name Matt Price, and the Los Angeles Kings are just fine with that.
Despite being hockey’s Hollywood team, the Kings are less glitz ’n’ glamor cool and more blood ’n’ guts tough. And as their new strength and conditioning coach, Price brings the same no nonsense, no excuses attitude that’s been L.A.’s M.O. under GM Dean Lombardi and coach Darryl Sutter.
At any given time in the summer, Matt Nichol has
three or four of his 16 NHL clients working out at his gym in Toronto. They’re a mixed bag of stars, mid-range players and guys on the cusp. Each is as unique as the other, and no two train the same.
Take this quartet of Nichol’s, for example: Mike Cammalleri is 5-foot-9, 190 pounds and built like a brick. Wayne Simmonds is lean and lanky at 6-foot-2 and 183. Hal Gill is a small mountain at 6-foot-7 and 243. And then there’s Chris Stewart, who at 6-foot-2 and 231 pounds could easily pass for a linebacker.
“You couldn’t have four more different body types,” said Nichol, who also trains Tyler Seguin and Michael Del Zotto. “They can’t all do the same exercises.”
If the NHL playoffs were similar in spirit to Major League Baseball’s, there’s a good chance the Los Angeles Kings wouldn’t have won the Stanley Cup in 2012. They would’ve had to play the Calgary Flames in a one-game showdown just to get into the playoffs and probably would’ve lost.
More on that later, but first to the matter at hand.