The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Peter Forsberg is just one big tease.
It has been reported recently that the two-time Stanley Cup champion has narrowed his list of potential suitors for this season to either the Colorado Avalanche or the Ottawa Senators. The logic behind these two choices apparently being (a) a good chance of winning the Cup and (b) good pastrami sandwich vendors in the immediate area surrounding the arena.
You may remember Forsberg as a very dominant player in this league at one time (you would also be the person who would know what Milli Vanilli is). Besides being a prolific scorer, Forsberg also has a strong defensive game and impeccable beard management. In short, he brings it all Â– or, at least, used to bring it all (now he brings 38 percent, the rest is delivered on a gurney).
Unfortunately the 2007 model everyone is salivating over is three simple steps from being a battered corpse. He has chronic foot problems (the odor thing has been minimized, by the way) and his body is showing the obvious signs of on-ice abuse. He has become the Ferrari with no transmission.
Still, that doesn't seem to stop a horde of teams from bidding for his services. They're lined up like fat guys on Angelina Jolie's front porch. They plead, they beg, they make eyes at him. Some will tout the fact they have other Swedish players on their roster, as if a healthy Abba record collection is paramount in winning a championship.
And then to further perpetuate the groundswell, he and his handlers (I thought only monkeys and reticent lions had handlers) inadvertently drop more names of other teams he may be interested in joining, like the cheerleader who drops her books outside the Chess Club.
In the end, Foppa Â– his nickname by the way, which sounds more to me like Scandinavian profanity (nice girl but I hear she's a Foppa) Â– simply plays it coy and waits for just the right moment and just the right team to join. He will eventually capitulate, but only after making a decision based on the money he's offered and the sweetness and sincerity of the Candygrams received.
Beware to all those entering this tenuous bidding war. Forsberg definitely has an outstanding resume, but so does Gregory Peck and he's dead. Peter just moves like he is.
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org