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Loose Change: The fine print


The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

“We'll1 make2 the playoffs3 and compete4 for the Stanley Cup5.” *

- Paul Maurice, Toronto Maple Leafs head coach, Sept. 13, 2007

1 “We,” being only certain selected members of the Toronto Maple Leafs. This does not imply all the Leafs will make the playoffs - only that some of us, the collective “we” will make it – as in “we,” the human race have to stop oppression or the spread of Herpes. If, for example, Mats Sundin is traded to the L.A. Kings and they qualify for the playoffs, then we hold this vow fulfilled in both spirit and intent. Also keep in mind, the “we” is really just our coach, Paul Maurice blabbering on again, about some idealistic thing he believes in. Crazy kid.

2 Look, the NHL has this system whereby the top eight teams qualify for further play – called the playoffs. We have every intention of being there when the regular season ends. We have cleared our spring calendars of pretty much all tee times, journeys south and the annual paintball tournament, so you might say we're serious about this. I mean, we missed the playoffs by one stinking point two years in a row. Essentially we're promising you to turn one game this season, from a loss to a tie. We feel confident that should about do it. You're welcome.

3 Read carefully: Nowhere does it mention “NHL” playoffs in Mr. Maurice's diatribe. Being the select few to gain entrance into the 2008 NHL Draft Lottery technically also would be considered a playoff of sorts. Look it up.

4 The Dictionary defines compete as “to take part in,” so, by “us” (Mr. Maurice, the idealist, remember) proclaiming that we'll compete for the Stanley Cup, we basically already are! Just by taking the ice, in the first game! Compete. Compete. Compete.

5 See above. See below. See Spot run.

* The Toronto Maple Leafs, MLSE Inc., The Ontario Teachers' Association Golden Egg Fund, Rich Guys Who Leave Before The 3rd Period Begins Ltd., and The $12 Hot Dog Vendors Association are not responsible, liable or indebted in ANY WAY, should the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey Club not qualify for whatever it is Mr. Maurice is claiming (email's down, pigeon off this week) to want to join. In the event the Maple Leafs do not qualify for that thing we will forthwith consider Mr. Maurice akin to what Vegans consider bacon.

However, in the unlikely event that the Toronto Maple Leafs do qualify for that playoff thing, The Toronto Maple Leafs, MLSE Inc., The Ontario Teachers' Association Golden Egg Fund, Rich Guys Who Leave Before The 3rd Period Begins Ltd., and The $12 Hot Dog Vendors Association will lay exclusive claim to Mr. Maurice's statement, embrace it, copyright it and screen it onto $38 t-shirts with all proceeds going to the Level 100 Save the Sushi Fund.

Furthermore, qualification into said playoffs immediately invokes the right of The Toronto Maple Leafs, MLSE Inc., The Ontario Teachers' Association Golden Egg Fund, Rich Guys Who Leave Before The 3rd Period Begins Ltd., and The $12 Hot Dog Vendors Association, exclusively and in perpetuity, to set playoff ticket prices equivalent to the cost of a year at Harvard or the value of this rock I have on my index finger (give or take a grand).

We hold these truths to be self-evident and downright inalienable.

Either way, we're not canceling that tee off time just yet.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Friday only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com

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