Dany Heatley has 17 goals and 37 points in 50 games for the Wild this season. (Photo by Dave Reginek/NHLI via Getty Images)
The Montreal Canadiens raised eyebrows around the hockey world after issuing an apology for hiring a unilingual head coach to replace the fired Jacques Martin. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like all NHL teams should have to apologize every so often, as it would keep them a little more humble than many are.
With that in mind, here are easy-peasy, ready-made, cut-and-paste apologies for each of the 30 NHL teams. Team PR staff, feel free to flow them into a team letterhead page and release away!
• The Anaheim Ducks regret any emotional trauma our sub-par defense has caused our goalies and offer apologies for re-signing coach and noted sourpuss Randy Carlyle to a contract extension before firing him in November. In addition, we pre-apologize for dealing either Bobby Ryan or Ryan Getzlaf at the Feb. 27 trade deadline.
• Can the Boston Bruins avoid all eye contact as we say sorry for Tim Thomas? Yes! We! Can!
• The Buffalo Sabres beg forgiveness for Ville Leino’s abominable contract and feel deep remorse for setting people’s expectations so high in the first full year of new team owner Terry Pegula.
• The Calgary Flames cannot apologize enough for continuing to not trade Jarome Iginla and making a slew of inconsequential transactions that amount to dealing deck chairs on the Titanic for stools on the Hindenburg.
• The Carolina Hurricanes sincerely regret making all our male fans, employees and citizens of Raleigh look homelier in the face by hiring Kirk Muller as head coach.
• The Chicago Blackhawks apologize unreservedly to the Toronto Maple Leafs for committing larceny in the Viktor Stalberg/Kris Versteeg trade.
• The Colorado Avalanche promise to increase the number of times we apologize as it becomes clearer trading this year’s first round draft pick to Washington for Semyon Varlamov was a disaster on par with the Spider-Man Broadway musical.
• The Columbus Blue Jackets are announcing an innovative new apologizing program, in which we send each fan 10 free apologies and allow them to apply those regrets to any disastrous area of the franchise they choose.
• The Dallas Stars apologize for signing Sean Avery. Still.
• The Detroit Red Wings regret all jealousy we’ve triggered by being the NHL’s best franchise for well on a decade.
• The Edmonton Oilers plan to atone for foolishly believing that bringing in a trio of tough guys (Andy Sutton, Ben Eager and Darcy Hordichuk) was more of an off-season priority than buttressing our hole-riddled defense corps.
• The Florida Panthers and their players apologize to all other NHLers who (a) don’t have the option of partying in South Beach after every home game and (b) aren’t followed around by a huge media contingent.
• The L.A. Kings deeply regret giving the impression a team blessed with offensive talents such as Anze Kopitar, Mike Richards and Drew Doughty has the scoring potency of Hugh Hefner without the Viagra.
• The Minnesota Wild are sorry for looking like world-beaters in the first half of the season and promise to allow the world to return the beatings more frequently the rest of the way.
• Les Canadiens de Montréal sont extrêmement désolé pour la magie huit billes, apparemment utilisés par le DG, Pierre Gauthier, d’avoir pris des décisions très discutables, ainsi que la charade que Gauthier restera DG au-delà de cette saison. (English translation here)
• The Nashville Predators are willing to apologize for just about anything, so long as the rest of the NHL is ready to say sorry for still not giving the Jack Adams Award to Barry Trotz.
• The New Jersey Devils express remorse for the ownership feud and cash crunch that likely will spell the end of Zach Parise’s time with the franchise. Oh, and as always, we regret our entertainment-challenged brand of hockey, but not enough to change it.
• The New York Islanders hope to eventually make amends for our cruddy arena, subpar team, heinous third uniforms, and anything else we may have forgotten here.
• The New York Rangers apologize for being unbelievably arrogant as an organization despite only winning one Stanley Cup in the past 70-plus years.
• The Ottawa Senators apologize to pre-season prognosticators after making them look like they all need specialized walking sticks to get around.
• The Philadelphia Flyers offer sincere regrets to Ilya Bryzgalov for not doing a better job explaining the wondrous mystery and intricacy of the universe.
• The Phoenix Coyotes are sorry for giving bottomless money pits everywhere a bad name.
• The Pittsburgh Penguins apologize to Sidney Crosby without reservation after failing to properly diagnose his continuing health issues. We repeat, we’re sorry. Very, very sorry. Please don’t leave us, Sid! We can change! We promise, some day we’ll all laugh about this. Sorry again! Be sure to look out for our Mercedes-Benz sorry-a-gram we’ll be delivering to your house later!
• The St. Louis Blues regret turning into such a competitive juggernaut under Ken Hitchcock. Well, not really, but we don’t want to jinx anything.
• The Sharks apologize for the Dany Heatley Era in San Jose, and to the Wild for starting the Dany Heatley Era in Minnesota.
• The Tampa Bay Lightning are sorry for believing Dwayne Roloson was going to go on another Cocoon-like adventure this season.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs apologize for nothing! DO YOU HEAR US? NOTHING! Bloody media vultures. YOU OWE US AN APOLOGY!
• The Vancouver Canucks regret that everybody hates us so much, and that the league conspires against us, and that Vancouverites who weren’t fans of our team (yet wore our jerseys) besmirched the city in the post-Stanley Cup riot last spring, and…
• The Washington Capitals would like to apologize, but we don’t think we’re worthy of apologizing, so we’re going to skip out on the apology altogether.
• The Winnipeg Jets are sorry for not being the Winnipeg Jets the past 15 years and promise the name “Barry Shenkarow” will always be accompanied by a scowl and flipped-bird from franchise personnel who reference it.
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