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Reasons to plot a Canucks conspiracy

Ryan Kesler and the Vancouver Canucks are locked in a 2-2 series with the Los Angeles Kings. (Photo by Jeff Vinnick/NHLI via Getty Images)

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Ryan Kesler and the Vancouver Canucks are locked in a 2-2 series with the Los Angeles Kings. (Photo by Jeff Vinnick/NHLI via Getty Images)

What the H-E-double-hockey-sticks, Gary; how’d you let the Canucks win Wednesday night? And to come-from-behind? We had them right where we wanted them.

Did you not brief Stephen Walkom and Wes McCauley on when to call penalties? Just one Kings power play in the third period?

We can only hope this evenly called game was an aberration or a smokescreen. Yeah, that’s gotta be it. Throw those latte-sipping, beachcombing, socialist Vancouverites off the scent and trick them into believing they have a chance in this series. Then throw the rulebook at ’em in Games 5 and 6. Sweet plan.

Gotta go – Murph’s on the phone. He wants to know where you hid the remote.

Oh, and don’t forget to destroy the memo we prepared for you below.

Ten reasons why the NHL should form a conspiracy against Vancouver, if it hasn’t already:

10. Punishment for buggering up the Olympic flame-lighting ceremony – and making Wayne Gretzky look bad in the process.

9. Their fans are still Todd Bertuzzi apologists.

8. Wipe that “oooh, we’ve got mountains, we’ve got an ocean, we’ve got fresh air” smugness off their faces.

7.
Too much rain would rust the Stanley Cup.

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6. Teach them a lesson for changing their jersey and logo so often. “Look at us: we’re blue and green, we’re a pukey rainbow, we’re a whale.”

5. Fight fire with fire. No Cups until they stop confusing us with identical Sedins.

4. Lord Stanley of Preston already gave them a park. They’re being greedy.

3. They made Vladimir Krutov fat.

2. They tried to make Kyle Wellwood unfat.

1. Delicious revenge for depriving easterners of sleep.

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