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Loose Change: Pleading his case

Listen up as we drop in on Georges Laraque as he argues his (latest) case with the NHL’s Dean of Mean, Colin Campbell:

“Thank you for calling the National Hockey League. To report a bankrupt franchise, press 1. To compliment the commissioner on the job he’s doing, press 2, 3 or 4. To lodge a complaint about either the league or the commissioner, press 5 between the hours of 3 and 4 a.m. To speak to Colin Campbell, press 6.”

BEEP!

“At the tone, please state your name. BEEP!”

“Georges Laraque.”

“I heard Bunny Larocque. If this is correct, press 1. If this is incorrect please state your name again.”

“Georges Laraque.”

“I heard George Wendt. If this is correct, press…”

Click.

“Hello Georges, is that you?”

“Hello, Mr. Campbell? Yes, this is Georges.”

“Just press 7 next time Georges. We opened a special number for you and Avery. Gets you through all that switchboard-runaround crap.”

“That’ll save some time.”

“Sure will. No sense wasting all that time with the switchboard. So what’d you do this time, Georges? Goon someone? It was Lucic, right?”

No, I ran into some Swedish Detroit guy named Kronwall or Kronenberg or something on Saturday night. Hurt his knee pretty bad. I think he’s out for a month.”

“Cronenberg? Isn’t he a film director?”

“I think so.”

“We have a film director playing for the Wings? Wow, that’s kind of cool. So you hit him with your stick, did you then?”

“Who?”

“The Detroit film director guy.”

“No.”

“Then you punched him?”

“No. No punching.”

“You speared him?”

“No. No punching or spearing. My knee just ran into his. We collided. I didn’t mean any harm.”

“Georges, you’re 300 pounds. You can’t tie your laces without meaning harm.”

“But I didn’t do anything. It was an accident.”

“Hmm...you have this weird history with ‘accidents’ in this league, Georges.”

“I was just trying to finish my check.”

“Czech? I thought you said this guy was Swedish?”

“He is…”

“Hang on. I’m just trying to pull video of this from YouTube. You said his name was Cronenberg, right?”

“Something like that. Hey, I thought you’d have video of this through the league offices. You grab it from YouTube?”

“Times are tough, Georges. We have to pay for the Coyotes somehow. Hey, did you know this Cronenberg dude directed Eastern Promises? That’s the one with that guy from Lord of the Rings who fights those other dudes while he’s stark naked. Seen that?”

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“No.”

“I can send you the link if you want. Must be hard fighting guys while you’re naked, huh? Ever fight a guy while you were naked, Georges?”

“Uh, no.”

“I can’t find any video of this knee thing you’re talking about, Georges. You say his name was Viggo Mortensen? No, wait, that’s the naked Lord of the Rings guy. My bad. Your guy was Laraque or something. No, wait, that’s you. Who’d you spear again, Georges?”

“I didn’t spear anyone. I ran into his knee.”

“Ooh, that’s a pretty dangerous thing to do, Georges. That can cause serious injury. Did you not read that little pamphlet we sent out last year? We can’t have people doing that in our league. We’d look bush.”

“So, what’s the verdict Mr. Campbell? Are you going to…?”

“Suspend you? Of course, I have to suspend you, Georges. How many games? Hmmm…what’s your favourite number, Georges?”

“Two.”

“Two? Perfect. I’m giving you four games then, Georges. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you? That seems pretty fair doesn’t it, Georges? Care to argue this at all?”

“No, I don’t think it will do any good.”

“Make it five then. One more game for not standing up for yourself, Georges.”

“...”

“Ha! There’s this cool video on YouTube of this baby that looks like a duck. Have you seen it, Georges? I can send you the link.”

Click.

“Georges? Georges??”

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you Loose Change every second Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Check out his website at charlieteljeur.com.

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