Look, I know you’re 58 and preparing for your third hip replacement (splurge on the deluxe model this time, cheapskate), but you can’t use an utter lack of coordination and physicality as an excuse any longer.
Whether you realize it or not, your team needs you. Well, maybe not YOU (as in that decaying flesh you have spread across your bones), but your presence at the rink. Without you there is no hockey and no NHL, just overpaid players playing to a building full of empty seats (sort of like Miami).
You need to be as ready for the upcoming season as the players. They prepare in their way (rum cruises to the Dominican Republic, which, I admit, are rather abstract, but do seem to work) and you prepare by attempting to stretch and contort your body in ways you haven’t seen since you viewed that artsy Parisian adult film back in ’78.
I’ve prepared some simple exercises to fast track you to being the best NHL fan you can be (there are so few of you, you’re almost endangered), able to support your team through the deepest and darkest of circumstances.
The Oh No, Not Again Arm Thrust
Strengthens neck and wrist muscles. Exercises embarrassment gene.
Hold your hands in front of your face about a foot apart, as if you’re showing someone the size of the fish you “caught” last summer. Now make a face like you’ve just seen a ghost, but a ghost you’ve seen a couple of times before. Simultaneously bring your hands to your face (or the other way around if your neck still can’t elongate like that). Shake your head from side to side three of four times while keeping your face buried in your hands. Moan if you feel it.
Do six sets, at 12 seconds each. Atlanta fans: 10 sets of 18 seconds each. Islanders fans: don’t stop.
The ‘Mine, Mine’ – Puck Cleared the Glass Grab
Improves hand-eye coordination. Creates incisor room in your mouth.
Find a friend or someone who can handle being around you for at least 10 minutes. Stand 10 feet apart facing each other. Get two other people you both find attractive to walk around behind each of you like you’re wolves preparing to pounce on some bunnies or croutons preparing to parachute onto salad (again with the salad). While the attractive people move around behind, you and your ugly friend will attempt to throw cans of creamed corn to each other simultaneously. The exercise continues until one of you has been knocked unconscious, the cans are dented beyond repair or the good-looking people realize how lame this is.
Holy Crap, We Scored Calf Raises
Makes calves so strong they’ll want to petition PETA for protection.
Be seated (I sound like a priest), hands on thighs (yours). Arbitrarily pick a moment and jump to your feet with arms raised. Yelling optional. Return to sitting position and repeat. Feel that burning sensation in your back? Really? Oh, that’s unfortunate. Call in sick.
Season Ticket Body Bends
Works lower back, buttocks.
Stand erect (stop laughing, it’s a perfectly innocent phrase). Hold your hands straight in front of you, palms up with clenched fists. Slowly turn your hands inward, opening your hands as if you’re dropping lettuce into a salad (or cash into a rich man’s trunk). Frown, occasionally whimper. Bend over until your ears touch your ankles. Grimace as if you’re expecting to be rammed by an angry buffalo. Wait for the burn.
Do one bend and one set. Ice posterior immediately.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you Loose Change every second Tuesday. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.