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Loose Change: Beers, steers and sneers

We’re entering that dead zone where good hockey stories will soon be as plentiful as Phoenix Coyotes investors. For now – at least until the free agent orgy opens July 1 – let’s delve into these stories, pretending you’d actually be interested in them even if hockey were being played.

Molson Wants Canadiens, not Canadians
For those of you ignorant of Canadian beer conglomerates, for the longest time there have been two: Labatt and Molson. They are dynasties like the Coors family in Colorado or the Pabstblueribbons of Milwaukee (nice family, really hot daughters).

Throughout the years the two beer giants have fought over the rights to a Canadian’s stomach (at least the alcohol-related part, which is huge) like wolves fight over slow, overweight rabbits. Both are now owned by mammoth foreign breweries (from Belgium I believe, which is really kind of embarrassing to know a Belgian is better at something than you are) making the whole we-own-the-Canadiens-so-wave-the-Canadian-flag thing kind of hollow, but I digress.

Now the Molson family has reached an agreement in principle to purchase the Montreal Canadiens from George Gillett (nothing to do with razor empires or shaving utensils of any kind). Oddly, Molson already owned the team some years back, but somehow lost them and now want to re-acquire the franchise. I suppose the lesson to be learned here when dealing with boatloads of beer and money is to know your limit.

Jurassic Parked?
The Detroit Red Wings have told Chris Chelios they won’t be offering him a new contract next year. Wings GM Ken Holland still believes he (Chelios, not Holland) can be a sixth defenseman for some team in the league, but it won’t be in Detroit.

So Ken, you’re basically tossing Chris back into the league with the hopes that someone will want to use the (estimated) 97-year-old? Shrewd.

Can’t Stand the Heatley, Get out of the (oh crap, this pun is going nowhere)
Dany Heatley has demanded a trade from the Ottawa Senators citing, A) a distaste for the city; B) the need for a change; C) the desire to win a Cup; D) simple wanderlust; E) that weird smell in the dressing room; F) not understanding the Ottawanese language; and G) his eternal search for that missing tooth.

Since Heatley has a no-movement clause, he can veto any trade to a team not of his liking. No word on which teams are on his list, but it’s thought to include both Alberta clubs (“playing hockey and the smell of cattle just goes together.”); the Phoenix Coyotes (he wants to see a marmot before he retires/dies); and the L.A. Lakers (“I could break Gretzky’s records with Kobe feeding me.”).

Ottawa GM Bryan Murray has two conditions of his own: 1) Heatley is not getting goodbye hugs of any kind; and 2) Jason Spezza is going with him.

Sutter and Sutter (not a law firm)
Speculation is rampant Brent Sutter is set to become the Calgary Flames’ head coach after recently “resigning his post” (Lou Lamoriello: “No one leaves the family.”) with the New Jersey Devils. He would join brother Darryl, who is the Flames GM.

This would seem like great news for Calgary, but Brent and Darryl are just the start. Word has it brothers Rich and Ron are touted as scouts; Duane will handle selling programs; and Brian wants to run the Zamboni. Once a Sutter infestation starts...better keep Orkin on speed-dial.

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre cartoon, brings you Loose Change every second Tuesday through to June 22. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@gmail.com.

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