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Loose Change: Insult tips for Sid and Ovie

Frankly, this Alex Ovechkin-Sidney Crosby thing is getting pretty ugly.

Anyone who witnessed the most recent tiff between “the game’s two biggest stars” (and you wonder why Dion Phaneuf is so angry) saw the battle continue long after Alex and Sidney left the ice.

First salvo fired by Mr. Ovechkin: “What I can say about him? He is a good player, but he talks too much."

On Ovechkin’s goal-scoring over-exuberance, Mr. Crosby said: "Like it or lump it, that's what he does. Some people like it, some people don't. Personally, I don't like it."

He talks too much?

Like it or lump it? 

What are we, 12 years old? Is the next meeting the one in which you unveil your new 21st century stink-eye move? Are we about to reveal to the world that Alex has cooties?

I’m insulted that those are even considered insults.

Funny you both spend so much of your time honing and perfecting your game, yet you leave one vital element off the list: slander. If your wrist shots were as limp as your slurs, Alex would be back in Russia sanitizing dumpsters outside of a strip joint and Sidney would be back in Cole Harbour selling discounted live bait.

What you boys is need is a coach, a snark coach. If either of you ever want to reign supreme in the National Hockey League you’ll need to dominate all your opponents in every category and that includes The Insult. And, to answer your next questions: Yes, I’m available and 22 percent sounds about fair.

The key, like all things in sports, is in scouting. We need to attack weakness like mongrels attack rodents or like Minivans attack WalMart. Uncover the soft spot, jab fork, wiggle. Repeat.

So, let’s itemize a list and see what we can come up with:

TEAMS
Sidney plays for Pittsburgh, which has had a lot of success but no Cups with him thus far. The Penguins are regularly sponsored by Bankruptcy. Alex plays for Washington, which has gone to the final once and was destroyed.

Suggested snarks:
Alex, try this: So a penguin can survive on whine!
Sidney, try this: Is it the Washington Capitals or the Washington Generals? I always get you two mixed up.
 
NATIONALITY
So Alex, you’re Russian. Sidney, you’re Canadian. Both are storied nations. Russian history reads like a spy thriller; Canadian history reads like operating instructions at a coin laundry. 

Suggested snarks:
Alex, try this: (mockingly) Daddy, tell me again about the Battle of Tim Horton’s Hill...
Sidney, try this: Three words Alex: Gross Domestic Product!

STYLE OF PLAY
Alex Ovechkin is more exuberant and showy on the ice (like a clown on crack). Sidney is more laid-back and traditional in his mannerisms (like a clown after a crack binge).

Suggested snarks:
Alex, try this one: I’m just happy when we win. You’ve heard about wins, right?
Sidney, try this one: Just a hint Ovie, we do things a little differently around here. You don’t have to pound on the glass like that. They’ll let you out if you need to go.

YO’ MAMA
Nothing bites harder than a good zinger directed at the merry soul who spent nine months taxiing your useless ass around the house while you “waited to be born.” Ovechkin’s mom just happens to be an ex-Olympic athlete and also Alex’s agent. Sidney’s mom we know almost nothing about (except that she probably gets lavish Mother’s Day gift baskets).

Suggested snarks:
Alex, try this: At least my Mom is on Wikipedia!
Sidney, try this: Hey Alex your Mom forgot to carry the two!

LOOKS
Alex isn’t pretty in a classic sense. Alex’s face could be described as “rugged,” much like that of a cowboy or a glacier. Sidney is more baby-faced. In fact most of his traits can be prefaced with the word “baby.”

Suggested snarks:
Alex, try this: Wow, a pacifier that doubles as a mouth guard? Does RBK make that?
Sidney, try this: Clarify this for me: do you comb a unibrow left to right or up and down?

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com

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