• SHARE:
  • email
  • Bookmark and Share

Loose Change: Help wanted

In addition to this job as a world-famous journalist I’m also a premier heart surgeon, a part-time golf caddy (long story) and – perhaps my favourite vocation of all – an incredibly gifted self-help guru.

You’d actually be surprised by the number of people who approach me in this capacity (sadly, I was responsible for the Van Halen breakup, but happily, I was also a major factor in their reconciliation) and nothing makes a person with my sort of omnipotent influence feel better than helping people through their (irritating and painfully-annoying) problems. I guess I just care too much.

Professional hockey is not immune to rifts and issues like these. When you spend your life perched on a half-inch of steel, you know the bats don’t only rule the belfry, they occupy most of the bedrooms and half of the kitchen.

Of particular interest to me this year has been an on-going case between a blue-collar guy and his white-collar boss, who have been having problems dealing with their workplace relationship. Instead of just summarizing their issues, it might simply be better to just let you have a gander at their confidential correspondence files. Isn’t that a violation of some sort of doctor/patient privilege, you may be asking? Yes, absolutely. A rather large one actually. Why?

Dear Incredible Guru,
I’m a supervisor of 25 guys and there’s this one guy in the plant who makes quite a lot more dough than the rest of the guys, yet isn’t as productive as the rest. I’ve spoken to him quietly about it and I’ve even tried to humiliate him publicly, but nothing seems to work. I don’t know what else to do and I’m afraid I may have to strangle him, although I likely won’t since he’s about the size of a tractor and I’m getting kind of old. Any advice?
Perplexed in an Alberta city (but NOT Edmonton)


Dear Perplexed,
Use a gun. You don’t need nearly the close proximity strangling requires.

Dear Incredible Guru,
No, I meant any advice on how to deal with the situation without resorting to violence.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
Oh, try a big hug.

Dear Incredible Guru,
Tried hug. Nothing.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
Try pairing him with other, more productive workers in an attempt to display the type of effort you want from him.

Dear Incredible Guru,
Now they’re ALL sleeping on the job.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
OK, give him some time off work. Have him sit and watch the rest of the workforce in action. Maybe that will inspire him to change his lazy ways.

Dear Incredible Guru,
Nope. He’s gained 12 pounds in less than a week.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed
Next time he does something positive, really emphasize how pleased you are with his effort and the results.

Dear Incredible Guru,
It’s been eight weeks...can we try something else?
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
Have a talk with his previous employer. See if he can shed some light on the issues.

Dear Incredible Guru,
Uh, that’s not going to work. We’re not exactly on the best of terms with his ex-boss.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
Hmm...I’m sensing a pattern here.
Is it possible you may be expecting much more out of him than he’s capable of? I mean, some people are just meant to be janitors.

Dear Incredible Guru,
We’d be happy with a janitor’s effort. He’s been more of a part-time squeegee guy.
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,
OK hmm...all right, again try berating him in public, only this time, in a different language.

Dear Incredible Guru,
How the hell is that supposed to help?
Perplexed, Now slightly angry


Dear Perplexed,
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. I’d suggest Mandarin.

Dear Incredible Guru,
Not sure, but that might have gotten his attention. He IS looking at me kind of funny...
Perplexed


Dear Self-Help Guy,
Hello. I work at this place out west and I think my supervisor is going mental. Just yesterday he started yelling at me in Chinese...
Big, But Cuddly Guy


The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com


More Stories

Loose Change: Predictions from the far side

If the game was meant to be played on paper it would be and the game would thus be called...

Loose Change: The 2010 LC Player Poll

Well, kids, it’s that time of year again. Seems everyone is putting out their own version...

Loose Change: Finger painting the playoff picture

I’m not a doctor, but I used play one when I was a teenager. While some specialize in...

Loose Change: Seeing stars

Because of my thirty-none years on the beat I tend to live within the inner sanctum of the...
blog comments powered by Disqus

THN on Twitter

Will the Los Angeles Kings repeat as Stanley Cup champions in 2014-15?




Contests

Our Partners