Reading about the Phoenix Coyotes recently is a lot like hovering over your Great Granddad while he clings to life on a respirator. You make trite comments like “we think he blinked earlier today” when you know things aren’t looking very good.
For us at the Coyotes, this translates to hearing all about an exciting overtime win in one breath and finding out the third and fourth lines aren’t getting paid this week, in the next.
Certainly the future of professional hockey in Arizona looks bleak. I guess an argument could be made about the viability of putting a team in the middle of the desert in the first place, but remember, this is the NHL and it’s about passion and fortitude, not logic, common sense or reality.
Instead of this grim, foreboding death watch, maybe it’s time to think positive about this thing. Perhaps we need to look at what hockey in Phoenix has to offer and not dwell on what it doesn’t. Enough space has been wasted on stupid material like pie charts, demographics and projections. What we need here is more blind optimism about this thing. After all, there’s always a chance Great Granddad could pull through.
For starters, the Coyotes are seventh in the Western Conference, which means there are (slightly) more teams below us than above us. Take that pretentious Colorado and starry-eyed Los Angeles! If we can maintain this present position WE WILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS! (Disregard the imminent matchup with Detroit, for now just take in the love).
And on another positive note, of all the teams that have animals as team mascots we are fifth in the West, and of all the teams that have desert-based scavenging hounds as mascots WE ARE NO. 1!
Getting tickets to a Coyotes game is easy and affordable. We don’t have any of those cramped conditions you’ll find in places like Montreal or New York City. We offer you ample room to spread out and enjoy the festivities without the annoyances of congestion or incessant noise. Our building is both quiet and roomy. Bring a friend, even your bridge group if you’d like. We’ll even set up some tables in the aisle for you!
Arizona is an arid place, yet we have a building with a thick sheet of frozen water 200 feet by 85 feet, which means we likely have the most water per capita of any building in the entire Greater Phoenix Area!
And how many other teams can offer up the league’s all-time leading scorer as their coach. A show of hands? Anyone? (No, not Kareem, different league.)
We have the highest winning percentage of any Arizona or desert-based team in National Hockey League history.
We’re just down the street from the entertaining and surprisingly successful upstart Arizona Cardinals (sure, park here and we’ll walk to the game together).
And we’ve never hired or even thought about hiring Mike Milbury!
I think Great Granddad just blinked again.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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