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Loose Change: Mats, an owner’s manual

Congratulations on purchasing the 2009 Mats Sundin!

This manual will assist you in getting to know your Mats Sundin and will maximize your enjoyment and efficiency of your new unit.

Made from the finest in Old World engineering (Pops was a charmer), the 2009 Mats Sundin is where Swedish style meets Scandinavian efficiency. It is specialized, talented and umlaut-free!

You’ve probably already noticed some major differences between this unit and one of our earlier models, like the 1995 Mats Sundin. That model came with long golden locks of hair whereas yours resembles a marble. While you lose a little in aesthetics, you gain by not having all that extra weight and frictional drag providing a smooth, efficient ride with great fuel economy.

The 2009 Mats Sundin is also larger (and roomier) than our 1995 model with slightly more girth and slightly less length (darned Mother Nature) and, although the size might be attractive, be careful not to misuse your new 2009 Mats. Too much banging into things will inevitably cause your model to falter (please be aware any fighting immediately voids your warranty).

Under the hood, the 2009 Mats Sundin has a slightly smaller engine than our earlier model, which shouldn’t be a factor unless it’s driven too far into the early summer. Historically, the Mats is a strictly winter-driving model. How it copes with on-ice conditions beyond the month of May is purely theoretical at this point. We have provided you with a toll-free hotline should the unthinkable occur, but must confess we haven’t actually had any need to man the phones up to this point.

Talking to your 2009 Mats Sundin is a pleasure. It is fluent in at least two languages and often has some very interesting things to say, although we have yet to determine what causes that annoying string of clichéd answers we’ve had so many complaints (from the Professional Hockey Writers’ Association) about.

Still, the 2009 Mats is a joy to be around and you can’t help but smile every time that cute accent enunciates a word uniquely or elongates the S’s as in the famous “PokerStarSSSSSSS dot net.”

When parking your 2009 Mats, we strongly suggest putting it between similar productive models that are also fast, skilled and prolific. The 2009 Mats has been abused terribly over the past 13 years - often being paired with sloths and models badly needing recalls - that has caused considerable undue wear and tear. If you take care of your 2009 Mats, it will take care of you*.

*Purchasing the 2009 Mats Sundin in no way guarantees any on-ice success. There are no implicit Stanley Cup promises, nor are there any assurances of achievement of any kind. Hell, we’re not even sure it can lift the darned thing.

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com

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