For those of you too lazy, too cheap or possibly too illiterate (there is help) to have picked up the Dec. 29 edition of The Hockey News, you missed a lot. Besides an incredibly-poignant - some would say “brilliant” – cartoon and an assortment of semi-legible readers’ letters there was THN’s 10th Annual Top 100 People of Power and Influence, which is a collection of various warm bodies said to have some sway when it comes to matters concerning sticks, pucks and everything in between.
I always look forward to this issue, mainly because I’m always hopeful it’s the year I finally make the cut (I was told there was a “wild card”). Alas, this year – again – I have about as much influence over the world of hockey as a stapler has over what a polar bear eats.
Regardless of any personal disappointment I may harbor, the list is interesting. I love breaking down the Top 100 into its sub-categories, using any criteria I find interesting or controversial, driven only by what little journalistic integrity I may still have left (after those 12 painful years in prison).
No. 1 and 2 are Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin. It seems only natural that your top two be the best two players in your game (all apologies to Ryan Hollweg). Furthermore it is said “TV ratings go way up when Crosby is on the tube” which is kind of like saying a chipmunk is king of all mammals (at least the Lightweight division).
All told, active players account for 15 places in the Top 100 and that’s stretching it a bit to say Chris Chelios is “active.”
Five people on the Top 100 list are completely bald; 14 are semi-bald; three have moustaches; six have full-facial hair and sixteen wear glasses. As foretold in the Bible (or was it Popular Mechanics?), the meek shall inherit the earth and evidently it’s started already.
Interestingly there are no women on the list and only two visible minorities (unless you count No. 19 - ex-referee Stephen Walkom - who might not qualify technically as a minority, but is definitely visible with those stripes and all) which conclusively proves the National Hockey League is both misogynistic and xenophobic (I think a certain Sean Avery deserves a big fat apology).
Most interesting on this list is golfer Tiger Woods who occupies the 58th position after disgracing the league with his comments when he said: “I don’t think anyone really watches hockey anymore.”
Word has it that if he used a few choice profanities he would have cracked the top 10.
The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?
Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.
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