Loose Change: Dear Sean letters

Charlie Teljeur
2008-12-04 11:45:00

Sean Avery sure has some explaining to do. He’s set to meet the NHL brass in New York City Thursday, who will certainly pepper him with questions like “what were you thinking,” “do you feel you’re above league bylaws,” and “is Rachel Hunter really that hot in person?”

Sean will likely flash the puppy dog eyes, admit he’s been a bad widdle boy and prepare to take a five game suspension. He’ll then proceed to light the commissioner’s desk on fire and blame it on the cleaning lady.

In reality the hearing is just the beginning for Avery. Stuff like this brings out a lot of people, with a lot to say. He has much to answer to. New York might be the easy part...

Dear Mr. Sean Avery,
I just wanted to write to thank you for making “misogynistic” cool again. Not the act, but the word itself. In all reality we find you to be a vile and opprobrious (look it up) little man whose mere presence sets the human race, and the male gender, back at least 227 years but, as they say, you have to break a couple of eggs to make an omelette. Remember: words are our friends (even yours).
Thankful but repulsed,
Professor Wendell Peabody, Oxford Dictionary

Hey Sean,
Dude, thanks for trying to draw some of the heat away from me this week. I know, things being as they are, your story will be a footnote, while I get front page in the New York Post. Still, I appreciate the effort, homey.
Still tight,
Plaxico

Sean,
“Sloppy seconds?” You meant Rachel, right?
Elisha

Dear Mr. Avery,
You apparently find it totally acceptable to toss demeaning remarks towards women, or black people, or French Canadians, so I ask you this, sir: Do you have a problem with me, more specifically, my people? If you’re going to be a bigot, go all out. Exclusion of any ethnicity from your holster of insults is a kind of racism in reverse.
Sincerely but tersely,
Mr. Anwar Akbar

Mr. Avery,
While we agree renting space at NHL headquarters would be a very smart financial move for yourself, we cannot grant your request for an office because of the precedent it would set (we already turned down Chris Simon, twice). Plus we are only zoned for commercial here and, frankly, there’s no room for a sleigh bed anywhere.
Sincerely,
Gladys Pennycook, Office Manager, National Hockey League

Dear Mr. Avery,
Please go after the Chinese next, or the Bolivians. No one ever goes after the Bolivians. A little too cocky for my liking.
Thumbs up,
Mr. Gerald Doogan, VP, Xenophobes International LLP

Dear Mr. Avery,
I’m in this really cool hockey pool where player suspensions count as 100 points. Even though I drafted Mats Sundin first overall (stupid, stupid) your points alone have put me way ahead of everyone else. If you happen to feel inspired enough to punch a referee before the season is done, I’d really appreciate it. If you’re ever in Brampton give me a call. We could hang out and stuff.
Reno Lamaccia

To Sean Avery,
You sir, are another example of why I choose women over men. Speaking of which, you don’t happen to have Rachel’s cell number do you?
Signed,
Ms. Rosie O’Donnell

Master,
We’re going to have to move again soon aren’t we? Why must you always do this? There are Pomeranians and Lhasa Apsos I don’t particularly like, but I learn to adapt. Is it really that difficult? And I was really starting to like this area too; so warm. Damn it.
Rover


The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com