The Straight Edge: The wrong way to raise a hockey player
Parents of members of the Long Island Gulls hockey team watch the team play during a road trip in early 2007 in Marlborough, Mass. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
Ryan Kennedy
2008-09-12 12:41:49
There are certain people who I hope will read this column, though by nature they probably won’t know it’s about them.
I’m talking about the dads who stand at the back of the rink purple-faced, banging on the aluminum walls when a goal is scored, screeching at their kids. I’m talking about the moms who incessantly shake plastic jugs full of pennies and, yes, screech at their kids.
You may think this behavior stops once the players leave their teens (Guh. How odious is it that the bulk of it is aimed at children?). But there are, in fact, NHLers tortured and haunted by overwrought parents living their failed dreams vicariously through their sons.
Yes, professional athletes make millions of dollars, but remember your early 20s? Not exactly a great time to be emotionally rattled.
The most well known case of psycho parenting is that of Patrick O’Sullivan, the Kings left winger whose father was criminally abusive towards him, even in major junior.
John O’Sullivan seemed to think he knew something about high-caliber hockey because he played 35 games in the Atlantic Coast League between 1981 and 1986.
There are others like him who still harangue their kids to this day (Patrick got a restraining order against his dad), even though they have no professional (or even major junior/NCAA) experience in hockey. And they are actually affecting these players’ NHL careers with their stupidity.
Can you imagine the embarrassment of an NHLer having their dad tell a Stanley Cup-winning coach their son deserves more ice time, or a spot on the power play unit? It happens!
It seems so simple, but here’s the rule: If you didn’t play to your child’s level, shut up. You have no idea what you are talking about. Whether you spend your day putting up drywall or doing complex accounting procedures, the one thing you are not doing is coaching a major hockey team. So shut up and stop ruining your children’s life.
Even retired NHLers who have young gun sons or daughters playing the game know better.
You won’t find a nicer person out there than J-P Parise, who played almost 900 games for the Isles and North Stars, among others. Parise learned long ago that yelling at children over hockey is a mistake. While raising New Jersey Devils star Zach and goalie prospect Jordan, Parise realized the following:
“I was hard on them at first and I felt terrible,” Parise said during an interview for Hockey's Young Guns, a book I co-authored with Ryan Dixon. “I went home (one day) and thought, ‘Why the heck am I doing this? This is supposed to be fun. I always had fun playing hockey.’ From then on I would never yell at them. Players should look forward to the next game or practice.”
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Sage advice. Should an NHL coach yell at a player? If they think the player needs it, then sure. That is a professional relationship and the player doesn’t have to see the coach at every Christmas or birthday for the next 40 years. And the coach has earned the right to voice his opinion through years of experience and hard work, running professional practices and watching hours upon hours of game tape. Not because they once scored a hat trick in a high school game 25 years ago.
Now, I’m not saying a parent shouldn’t push their child to be the best they can. Motivation can be a tricky thing, especially for teenagers who would rather play drums in a punk band (which was my downfall. No, wait, lack of talent was my downfall). And in the sleazy world of minor hockey politics, having your kid switch teams, leagues, whatever, may be a necessary step.
Obviously there is a balancing act. Get your kid that tryout with the rep squad, but remember there are too many teams out there for your child to be overlooked for too long.
In the meantime: support, support, support.
As Parise noted, hockey is supposed to be fun. Waking up before dawn and driving to a frigid rink an hour away means you have two hours of bonding time with your son or daughter, so use it well. And use it to talk about other things.
“We would never talk about hockey to or from games,” Parise noted.
This sport can change lives; make sure it’s for the better.
The Straight Edge will return Oct. 3.
Ryan Kennedy is a writer and copy editor for The Hockey News magazine, the co-author of the book Hockey's Young Guns and a regular contributor to THN.com. His blog appears Wednesdays, his column - The Straight Edge - every second Friday, and his feature, The Hot List appears Tuesdays.
For more great profiles, news and views from the world of hockey, Subscribe to The Hockey News magazine.
regretfull dad (Posted 2008-09-29 12:33:56)
Great article that speaks volumes. I was that Dad yesterday at my sons game. He started in Peewee this year and is small in stature. He has allways taken the first couple of months to find his way but I yelled at him to go to the puck because he wasn't,in my eyes,being aggressive enough. Thanfully he didn't hear me but, I regret opening my mouth. I am his biggest fan but vow to keep my mouth shut moving forward.
Jack Ray (Posted 2008-09-18 18:30:07)
This is one of the best aimed and articulated articles I have read on a topic that never goes away, regardless of the advancements made annually in other aspects of life. Next step is to turn this, or at least paragraphs from it, into CD version and have it played constantly in every arena where youth hockey is an activity.
Jack Ray
Business Manager
The Hockey Source
Flyerfan52 (Posted 2008-09-17 18:40:37)
The sad part is, the parents he's talking about mostly won't recognize what they're doing. There's a line between caring and pushing too hard. Support your child but don't try to live your failed dreams through them. If yours is an elite player, it will show and he/she will do their best and keep moving up. Give support not meddling.
will head (Posted 2008-09-16 18:25:22)
well said perfect time of the year to say it to if you catch just one disfunctual parent with that, than it was worth printing. there should be more done everyday can you just imagine the damage they are doing to minor hockeys growth.
Jason Terlesky (Posted 2008-09-16 15:39:53)
Good stuff and bang on.
Here's the thing though, if you're not a parent you have no business telling anybody how to parent.
Of course I'm being a bit of a joker, but that arguement that somebody might not know what they're talking about because of lack of experience doesn't change a message if it's right. Which this article is.
My dad got on me for a few things, and it was never on the actual playing of hockey. It was about effort. It was about attitude. It was about respect. He had every right to get on me about that stuff. I really feel we treat kids with kid gloves WAY too much. A kick in the butt never hurts.
Also don't forget the parents not being involved thing leads to the Mike Danton's, David Frost's, Graham James, Sheldon Kennedy's. Coach's aren't always right and hockey is slimey that way sometimes.
PCL (Posted 2008-09-15 17:15:59)
My 6 year old plays house league hockey in the winter and T-ball in the summer. The hockey parents are fantastic - the T-ball parents are way worse!
Chuck Francisco (Posted 2008-09-15 10:53:36)
Great artical, I coached house league up through peewee's for 19 years and told the parents before each season, that their son playing the game not them, if I had my way the glass would go to the ceiling. Cheer for them but do not scream at them, its a game, enjoy it.
Brendan O'Hanley (Posted 2008-09-14 13:34:51)
WOW, this was an amazing article. Finally someone who puts the truth in what hockey really means..............FUN.
If you think your kid the next Wayne Gretzky, Lemieux, Crosby, who ever......think again. Your child will be come the player that THEY want to become and not what you want them to become. I don't have any children yet, but I always joke that when I do, he will make the NHL...........however, it is a JOKE. What ever my child wants to become, I will support that.
My dad was always the one standing on the opposite end of the rink, never cheered or said a word. He would let us know what he thought of the game, what we did well and what we could improve on..........and that is what I will take wth me when I become a parent.
There are way more imprtant goals in life then a little black thing going into a net.
Doug (Posted 2008-09-14 10:08:01)
As the former President of a major hockey program here I applaud this article. Yet the people who run the Federations of the country keep making more rules based upon the elite few frustrating the majority of the recreational players with more beaurocracy, more tiering, more evaluating which all serves to drive the cost up and therefore the expectations of unknowing parents. I will never forget the day about 10 years ago when a parent whom I coached in a mid-level novice team asked about the appropriate age to hire an agent. I almost died laughing but my reaction turned to shock when I realized he was dead serious. Look on most volunteer boards involved in hockey and I would bet a wooden nickel that almost all of them have kids playing on the Tier one or two teams while the majority of the players are well below that, and under represented at the planning level. That in of itself is a problem and I have witnessed many arguments on hockey planning boards as so called elite parents hammered away at one another looking for the advantage paralyzing the board itself.
I have coached 25 teams in the past decade (3 boys in hockey...) at all levels. By FAR the most fun we have as parents and players is the lower levels. The players are not being "pushed" for the AAA jacket but are pushed to have fun. If they have the god given talent to achieve more, it will show itself soon enough without the help from an overbearing father or a nutty hockey mom hammering away with her annoying jar of pennies for an hour and a half. (THANK YOU for pointing out THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN HOCKEY - the jar of pennies!!!)
glenn (Posted 2008-09-13 17:01:37)
Great article...fact is you have better odds of winning the lottery twice than seeing your kid make the NHL. How many rookies will be in the NHL this year? Maybe 50 - 60 at best. There is a whole world of players competing for those few jobs. Parents need to be realistic about the odds of making it big. Last point...most kids (not all) who have that kind talent typically start to show it at a very young age and are well above the rest of the group. So moms and dads...if that is not your kid then stop yelling and enjoy their fun and accomplishments whatever they may be.
Karol (Posted 2008-09-13 14:12:39)
Yes there is some truth in what was said. There is also the fact that if many of the NHL hockey players today, where not encouraged to play, and parents worked extra to give them the chance.. and talked to them and pushed them. They would not be making the million$ they are today too! ***** I was never pushed to do anything, and I didn't do anything. I was never asked what I wanted to be, or encouraged to go to college. And I didn't. When I got old enough I set out on my own at 17 to grow up and be something. I look back and wonder why, my parents didn't care enough.. to even talk to me or encourage me? ****** My sons are talked too, even now at the ages of 27 and 40. I encourage them, and if they want something I make them want it badly! My 27 yr old wanted Karate.. so badly, that he would do anything I asked. In turn I worked extra, paid for private lessons, paid for 2 schools, paid for several types of competitions.. bought a car and paid for hotels and uniforms.. for him to achieve. In turn, I did.. talk him.. in and out and over and under. We had signals and sounds. He knew what he "forgot" thru those signals.. during a competition.. and did it ! AND yes he won.. yes he achieved, and he was totally admired by all that knew him, at a young age of 10 - 18 yrs. When he had to get into the working world. Even now, he's in management.. and his supr's tell him how awesome he is. He says, I owe my Mom.. because she pushed me ! ****** That says a lot!
KevinC (Posted 2008-09-13 13:35:47)
It's good to read articles like this every year. This will by my 9 year-old's fifth year skating and his first year as full-time netminder. I can only skate in a forward direction so I do indeed keep my mouth shut and enjoy watching my son play, learn, and have fun.
Suggest everyone visit YouTube and search for Don Lucia Speech.
Will (Posted 2008-09-13 12:21:06)
Great Article. As a coach and ref, I get to see parents like those mentioned all too often. Whether its about playing time, captaincy or style of play, these parents always think they no better or only care about their kid and not the team. Of course you should care about your child first but the me first and only attitude is coming through in the kids now. As a ref, the disrespect starts younger and younger now. I couldn't imagine talking to adults or people in a position of authority the way kids do even from mites!
John Lane (Posted 2008-09-13 10:47:54)
Again, great article. I think one of the biggest problems in hockey today is all the "elite" and rep programs. Parents spending big $$ to have their kids play 11 months of the year for a shot at the NHL. The article in THN about Pat Kane is a great example. How would his relationship be with his Dad if he wasnt rookie of the year? Or if he was playing in Bakersfield after Dad dropped a quarter million to build a hockey player? I certainly hope it would be the same, but I gotta wonder.
What has happened to the pond hockey days?
Kevin (Posted 2008-09-13 09:11:29)
Matt PLant, you can hate or love pierre mcguire but he can say what he wants, if you read the article closer it says 'Should an NHL coach yell at a player? If they think the player needs it, then sure. That is a professional relationship and the player doesn’t have to see the coach at every Christmas or birthday for the next 40 years. And the coach has earned the right to voice his opinion through years of experience and hard work, running professional practices and watching hours upon hours of game tape.'
Believe it or not, mcguire was a coach in the nhl and has a stanley cup ring with the pens to proove it. so yeah he can voice his opinion.
Leesa C (Posted 2008-09-13 08:27:40)
Nothing wrong with playing in a punk band. My husband quit hockey for a punk band too "the problem children". He's never regretted it for a minute. Now our son starts hockey school this year. We're just hoping he has fun.
Paul G (Posted 2008-09-13 01:32:08)
My two sons played House League here.I never berated the coaches.
If the refs were young kids like in their late teens or early 20s I never said a word.All I wanted was a consistent game called.But the older refs the ones with grey hair like me got my goat. I know you can't see everything on the ice as you are skating around and maybe some of my comments got me tagged.But it was really bad night where my son's coach said "I can't say anything but you maybe?" Refs are like the Police we expect a higher standard from them. It is really so far out of bounds to expect the same from older albeit volunteer refs.I believe the one real line that almost got me tossed was, "Hey Ref your seeing eye dog wear skates too." Yes it was silly on my part afterall it was only a House League game. I think the line was borrowed from Don Cherry.I know better now that I have even less of that grey hair.
matt plant (Posted 2008-09-13 00:12:54)
I agree that parents go over board put you got carried away. Just because you don't play the same level as the people you comment on does not meen you do not know more or as much as the do about the game. If what you were saying was true then Pierre Maguire should have no right to comment on any NHL players performance.
Brian Curtis (Posted 2008-09-12 18:36:03)
Good points. I used to coach peewee until I simply had enough of pushy loudmouth parents. My philosophy was "They all pay, so they all play" and I would give them all about the same amount of ice. The only way to get less than a fair share was to abuse the refs, take selfish penalties and/or lack effort.... I didn't care if a kid couldn't sakte, as long as he TRIED. A few parents didn't like it and were choked that thierlittle Gretzky couldn't have every other kids' ice time!
I was a good coach too... eight years later those "kids" still always tell me thier year(s) with me were thier best years...
too bad I couldn't hack all that greed and selfishness (from people who should have known better...)
there are some great hockey parents out there though, and ol' JP Parise sounds like one of them...
Herb Deew (Posted 2008-09-12 18:04:16)
Absolutely true!! The only good games to watch anymore are the mini-mites and mites!!!! The parents and grandparents have fun there with cowbells and airhorns etc. but go up even 2 to 3 years in age and it is not right. You wonder what these humans do for jobs. And how they are with young referees is very sad. When put in the other set of skates they have no clue!! I actually wanted to hammer one of the parents when I played against him and he had not remembered me - I actually had to feel sorry for him. He could barely skate and must not have ever watched a hockey game - he sure played like that!!!
fleetwood94 (Posted 2008-09-12 16:48:42)
I wholeheartedly agree. My 6-year old played T-ball this past summer and you would not believe these parents who think their Billy or little Jimmy is the next A-Rod or Ryan Howard...I mean come on people, lets let kids be kids-the world forces them to grow up too fast as it is! They will have the rest of their lives to be responsible(?) adults.
jan (Posted 2008-09-12 16:17:42)
Great article. Hockey parents should be required to read this before they sign up their kids for hockey. There's nothing worse than hearing a father or a mother( some hockey moms are as bad as the hockey dads) swearing at their kid while they're playing.
They forget it's about having fun while learning the game.
Conan Smeeth (Posted 2008-09-12 15:23:34)
Awesome article. My parents have stressed that it's about having fun even if it means that you're a mediocre player. I know people who have quit hockey because they weren't enjoying it.
Humberto Y. (Posted 2008-09-12 15:23:07)
This is one of the best things i've ever read, i wish every parent read this. Its disgusting to watch parents go beserk yelling at their children at the rink i go to, i cheer all the kids and all i hear is a parent "*name* get your *bleep* up and hustle!" Its pathetic. Great article, and i hope many share it with parents.
Kevin (Posted 2008-09-12 14:42:09)
Great article, every hockey parent should read this. Kids have enough to worry about without hearing their idiot parents at the rink. I used to play with some guys that had some crazy parents for sure and it really affects the kids deeply. My parents were so supportive, they didnt yell or scream and said good job no matter what . I played with a guy who was pushed by his parents from novice on and they worked him to death thinking he was gonna be a star, guess what we both ended up in the same place, jr.A hockey players no better, no worse. to think of the two paths we took to get to the same place makes me upset, because my teamate was really affected by the treatment of his parents, and for what? support the kids and remember, they want you to shut up, no matter where you played.
Jeff Awesome (Posted 2008-09-12 14:33:40)
this has been going on for ages in all youth sports. until the pressure is off of these kids to make future-money, the parents will always be excessively critical and domineering of their children. go look in any culture that holds property in such high regard and how their kids are treated. its always similar. from our culture to patriarchal pastoral societies.
they should all be raising them straight edge anyhow. haha
Cid from Indiana (Posted 2008-09-12 14:23:32)
Best column I've read all sumer on THN.com. Great story, great point. Well done!
Angelo (Posted 2008-09-12 13:59:27)
Great Article!!!! Fathers AND Mothers think they can decide their kid's future by pushing them too the limits. They spend more time screaming and yelling at Hockey related issues than the importance of education and proper up-bringing. Yes, if i ever have a son, i will try my hardest to make him love the game as i do, but thats third on my list. I will encourage him teach him what i know, and then when the time is right, let him go, so that he can learn how to be responsible. I can't wait to see my little man skate and love the game as i do!!!!
Robin Ripley (Posted 2008-09-12 13:51:29)
It used to be a case of "I played Junior B but coulda done more" causing a father to push his kid, now I believe many parents see it as an alternative to hitting the 6/49 numbers (or Powerball for THN's large US contingent). It's been almost 20 years since I was a teen ref in the prairies, and what I still remember most was how obnoxious and line-crossingly ignorant parents were to a 15-year old ref. I haven't lived in Canada for the past 8 years, but I'm sure things haven't changed much. For every NHL-calibre player out there thanking his dad (mom) for the extra encouragement, there are a thousand guys that didn't make it and resent their parents for being such idiots.
Carl Lindros (Posted 2008-09-12 13:45:15)
Nothing more pathetic than parents getting over involved in their kids hockey........ They become adults, let them grow into this at their own pace.
Caz (Posted 2008-09-12 13:19:56)
Great timing on this article. I was just reading the lenghty post-lockout contracts in the news section and was thinking to myself it's no wonder some parents push their kids.
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