Loose Change: Who’s the new guy?

Charlie Teljeur
2008-09-04 14:04:37

Wow, amazing the amount of things that can happen when you spend your entire summer inebriated doing stuff.

Looking through the current NHL rosters I’m blown away by the amount of changes that have (evidently) happened over the course of these past three months (it’s hazy) or so. It’s kind of like when a girl moves into your place and she starts moving your cereal around. At first it’s simply upsetting – you like knowing where everything is – but, after a while, you begin to like the idea of having the Cocoa Puffs lined up alphabetically next to Count Chocula (brilliant, really).

So, to pay homage to Lucinda (I already miss her) and her breakfast-box-moving ways, let’s run through these player movements (fiber, fiber, fiber) that have struck me in one way or another. These ratings are strictly personal and, in no way, reflect the feelings of The Hockey News, my mother and that nasty little Pomeranian that growls every time I attempt to steal her food.

Where was I? Oh yeah, about those ratings…

Kudos to the New York Islanders who now have a Doug Weight, a lightweight (Mike Comrie) and some dead weight (Mike Sillinger).

Exceptional work by the Vancouver Canucks in signing Jason Krog who is, by far, my favourite Muppet.

Radim Vrbata, Gary Roberts, Brandon Bochenski and Mark Recchi? Who says the people in Tampa don’t recycle?

Gentle applause for the Maple Leafs for finally giving the city of Toronto the (Jeff) Finger.

Florida trades for Keith Ballard and Nick Boynton, giving them at least three defensemen whose names start with the letter B? I knew the Panthers were in dire financial straits but are the letters for those name plates that expensive?

Phoenix signs both Brian McGrattan and Todd Fedoruk? Between them they have six goals and…to hell with it. Punch, boys. I want punching and I want lots of it. Leave your sticks over there.

Wade Redden could give the Rangers a blue chipper on defense, assuming he can convince Zdeno Chara to break his contract with the Bruins and flee to New York. Otherwise it’s just Wade-a-lonnng-time-for-a-Norris-Trophy Redden.

I really like Anaheim’s signing of Van Morrison to help at center stage. Sure he’s old and his voice is kind of rough now but it is southern Cali…Brendan who?

Buffalo’s backup goaltender going from Martin Biron to Patrick Lalime is like trading in your snow blower for a grape. Make that a raisin.

Not only is Denver a beautiful city, but it’s one helluva charitable place to live judging by the signings of two vertical corpses more commonly known as Darcy Tucker and Andrew Raycroft. One is on a dangerously steep career decline and the other is Andrew Raycroft. I hope they can both find their feet this year if only to keep the shelter from overcrowding with the new crop of indigents next year.

Apparently Sean Avery’s move from New York to Dallas was mandated by FEMA, who were very concerned that his ego had grown so large it was starting to endanger buildings in the lower Manhattan area. Texas has far more room and hopefully will work although I’m hearing there is a backup plan already in place should this one fail. We’re hearing Brazil, or Jupiter.

Excellent move for Andrew Brunette to sign back in Atlanta, I mean Nashville. Or is it Colorado? No wait, he left Atlanta and now he’s back in Washington with the Capitals. Great move. No, hang on. He left Colorado, not Atlanta or Washington. And now he’s back in Nashville. Wait, check that, Minnesota. He left Colorado and is back in Minnesota. That’s right. Terrible move.

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every other Thursday in the summer only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com